First period, first bra

I can't quite recall when my first period started exactly, but my earliest memory of it is at a school camp at Lake Keepit, near Tamworth, NSW.

The year was 1986, I was 11 years old and it was probably around October or November, I remember that the weather was quite hot.  I'd skinned both of my knees just a week before the camp so I had horrible scabs on my kneecaps that the flies just loved, they pestered me the whole time.

During the camp I got my period.  It was dark and sticky and not too heavy, but heavy enough that I should have worn a sanitary pad.  I was so embarrassed and probably quite scared, so I said nothing and just changed my underwear and stuck the dirty ones into my bag to take home.  It didn't even occur to me at the time to rinse them out and when I got home my mother went through my bag to collect all my dirty laundry.

Well, dirty laundry is what she found.  And she was so cross with me, she gave me a lecture about how I should always wear a pad (nobody told me!!) and I should have told my teacher that I was bleeding, she would have helped me.  Of course, I hated the teacher who was supervising the trip so there was no way I was going to talk to her about it.  I vaguely remember Mum telling the teacher that she had found dried blood on all of my underwear when I went back to school.

Isn't it funny how we repress alot of these memories.  I still feel embarrassed when I think about it.  No wonder I hated talking to my mother about anything personal, especially when it came to "women's issues".  I was so mortified by it all, I was even too embarrassed to go out and get my first bra so Mum took a guess and bought one for me.  This was probably just a month or so after my first period and I was so upset that I had to wear a bra when all of my friends were still flat chested and didn't begin to really develop breasts for another year or so after me.

Ugh...  I think I have alot of tapping to do on this to release the shame.  Perhaps this is why I have had so many problems with bleeding and pain all these years and they have only been getting worse?

A special visitor?

Two days ago, I woke up at about 5.30am because I could hear my husband getting ready to leave for work.  Both of the bedside lamps in our bedroom are touch lamps, with three levels of brightness.  And my lamp was on the lowest of the three.

Sometimes I do fall asleep while reading but I usually wake up again and turn my lamp off.  However....

On this particular occasion I know with absolute certainty that I turned my bedside lamp OFF before I went to sleep, because I had taken my glasses off, folded them up and put them safely aside when I couldn't read any longer.  Then I definitely turned the light out!

Anyway, when I woke up at 5.30am I found the light on and thought "oh, I've left the light on" and I turned it off again.

Closed my eyes.  There was still a light on in the room.  I opened my eyes and looked over my right shoulder.  My husband's bedside lamp was also on.

What is so strange about that, you wonder?

He had been sleeping on the sofa that night and swears to me that he DID NOT come into our room and turn either bedside light on.

The only other person who could have done that is me, and unless I was having some sorta weird dream and thought I had to turn the lights on....

Who else could have done it?

So have a guess what my IMMEDIATE thought was when I realised the other bedside lamp was on...

Kinda spooky, but kinda nice at the same time.

Could it have been a message from her?

It's not the first time I've had a visit from a spirit before, usually they come in my dreams.  But if it was Gran turning the bedside lights on, I think it's her way of being playful and letting me know that she is there.

My life officially sucks

My marriage is a mess.

My former best friend who was also my bridesmaid is pregnant.  She was married less than a month when she conceived.  She is due in July.

My husband's best man and his wife are also expecting a baby.  They have been married less than two years.  She is due in August.

Today I had to say goodbye to a lovely lady who was very dear to me.  In fact, she was the grandmother I never had.

I feel like such a failure.

Can it get any worse?

A different kind of grief

My husband's grandmother pass away this afternoon, aged 92.

I had hoped that she would live long enough to welcome another great grandchild into the world.

I had hoped that I would one day take a photo of her with our first born nestled in her arms.

Rest peacefully, Gran.  I will miss you so much xoxo

A calm place

I have decided that this blog is my place to rant, scream, punch holes in the walls and let out all the pain.  You will probably get sick of it and I don't blame you.  We are all human and we can only handle other people's pain (negativity?) for so long.

So, rather than wallow in my own anger, my recent posts about EFT tapping and trying to turn my negative feelings around have inspired me to start a fresh blog where fellow infertiles can also come to for some encouragement.

I deserve to be a mother too

All welcome xo