Flowers

I went to the cemetery the day after my counselling session and left a lovely posie of mixed flowers in various shades of cream and peach.  It felt good to just sit there and cry and talk to Gran for a little while.  I miss her so much.

Grief revisited

I had my 2nd session of counselling today and talked alot about Mr J's grandmother (Gran) who passed away back in February.  I was shocked at the renewed sense of loss I am feeling for a beautiful lady who was the grandmother I never had when I was growing up.  Neither of my actual grandmothers took any interest in me when I was a child and both died before my 10th birthday, possibly by my 9th.  I can't even remember what years they died in, that is how detached I am from them.

Tonight I am missing Gran alot....  even though in real life I would never have burdened her with the problems that I have, I just wish I could talk to her now and tell her how sad I am feeling.

At counselling we also talked about the miscarriages and it really hit home how, more than 2.5 years since the 4th loss, I am still haunted by it every day.  The blood, the mess, the tiny little baby I cradled in my hand, the long nights in hospital when I cried so hard that my eyes were swollen shut, the sedatives, the surgery a few days later to remove the retained placenta.

No happy memories, just trauma.  How do people just expect me to "get over" something like that?  Oh wait, that must be the "chip on my shoulder" that I've been told I need to get rid of.

Ignorance must be bliss, right?

So when I found out that my former BFF was pregnant, it really knocked my confidence.

Not only was she going to have a baby before me, but she fell pregnant within the first month of her marriage.

Worse than that was the way she went about NOT telling me but instead chose to tell other friends "by accident".  She had ample opportunity to tell me before telling them but she chose not to even though she feigned caring and being sensitive to my needs.  Well what a kick in the teeth to find out via Facebook and then via the pregnancy forums of which I have been a member since 2006.

When I confronted her about it she was utterly perplexed and insulted that I didn't congratulate her straight away.  Because it IS all about her, yeah?  Not at all about the fact that I have been swept aside and my feelings diminished to zilch.

She told me, after I had endured 4 miscarriages and severe depression, that I needed to "get rid of the chip on my shoulder" and that my bitterness was caused by the group of women I chose as a support network (because they have all endured infertility and are just a bunch of bitter bitches too I suppose!!).

Well I guess that's all the proof one needs to show that I am miserable and bitter and selfish.  Of course it has nothing to do with the isolation, pain and lack of support from that supposed BFF who didn't once come to hold my hand or lay and cry with me.  Nope, because saving your money to indulge in as many skiing trips as you could was a MUCH higher priority.

Of course, I flew 1/2 way around the world to be there for you on your wedding day last year, but a few years ago when I was living interstate and only an hour's flying time away and I needed you, it was too much to expect from the person I considered as my sister to come and be by my side.

I NEEDED YOU.

I needed someone I could trust.

You let me down.

Do fertiles think that we "get over" our losses after a prescribed period of grieving?  I'd love to know what it's like to be one of them so I can be blissfully ignorant too.

Dread

The birth of my former BFF's baby is going to happen anyday now.

She's having a girl.

I am so filled with dread and sorrow.

Can't believe that she got her BFP so quickly, just 6 weeks after her wedding.

I've been married more than 5.5 years and still no baby.

It hurts.

HURTS.

Cuts like a knife.

Why does she get a baby so soon and I have to go through so much pain and sorrow?

Where did I go wrong?

What did I do to be punished this way?

All I want is to be a mother and to share the journey of parenthood with my husband.

Is that too much to ask?

I let him down

Mr J and I were separated in 2009 for six months, not by choice but because I had to return to Aus to apply for a Visa so that I could return to live and work in the UK.

I totally regret the decision because it ultimately caused so much damage to our relationship.

Mr J was in a very fragile state after losing our precious son Joshua as well as the business that he had strived so hard for.

He should NEVER have been left on his own for that long.

The day he dropped me off at Heathrow and fiercely hugged and kissed me goodbye, he begged me to come back within a few weeks.

I didn't return for SIX FUCKING MONTHS.

I had alot of stuff to sort out in Aus before I could come back, I also stuffed up my Visa application which was rejected, so then I had to apply for the correct Visa which was apparently going to take up to 3 months to be processed and approved (or rejected).

Thankfully, with a heartfelt letter attached to my application stating the reasons for my request to have the application processed urgently, it only took 5 weeks and I was jetting back to the UK just two weeks later.

But those 6 months were the longest, most hellish time of my life.

I could feel my husband slipping away from me.

He was severely depressed.

He needed me.

And I wasn't here for him.

I hate myself for not picking up the phone and begging his friends to help, if only I had done that, perhaps Mr J wouldn't have been in so much distress.

I feel like he hates me for abandoning him and this is my punishment.

Tonight, I broke down crying as I drove home from work as I pictured this fragile man sitting alone in a virtually empty house, distraught and isolated and aching for me to come back.

Just imagining how isolated and abandoned I would have felt, had the situation been reversed and I was waiting for HIM to come back to me.

Mr J......  I AM SO SORRY THAT I WASN'T HERE TO PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU HAD FALLEN.

You were there for me when I was hospitalised and afraid that my life would be forever changed by a serious illness.

You picked me up and carried me when I had lost faith in myself.

You nurtured me through four miscarriages and the onslaught of depression that was so bad I was just inches away from taking my own life because the grief was far too much to cope with.

But where was I for you when you needed me most?

The guilt weighs heavily on me tonight.