I let him down

Mr J and I were separated in 2009 for six months, not by choice but because I had to return to Aus to apply for a Visa so that I could return to live and work in the UK.

I totally regret the decision because it ultimately caused so much damage to our relationship.

Mr J was in a very fragile state after losing our precious son Joshua as well as the business that he had strived so hard for.

He should NEVER have been left on his own for that long.

The day he dropped me off at Heathrow and fiercely hugged and kissed me goodbye, he begged me to come back within a few weeks.

I didn't return for SIX FUCKING MONTHS.

I had alot of stuff to sort out in Aus before I could come back, I also stuffed up my Visa application which was rejected, so then I had to apply for the correct Visa which was apparently going to take up to 3 months to be processed and approved (or rejected).

Thankfully, with a heartfelt letter attached to my application stating the reasons for my request to have the application processed urgently, it only took 5 weeks and I was jetting back to the UK just two weeks later.

But those 6 months were the longest, most hellish time of my life.

I could feel my husband slipping away from me.

He was severely depressed.

He needed me.

And I wasn't here for him.

I hate myself for not picking up the phone and begging his friends to help, if only I had done that, perhaps Mr J wouldn't have been in so much distress.

I feel like he hates me for abandoning him and this is my punishment.

Tonight, I broke down crying as I drove home from work as I pictured this fragile man sitting alone in a virtually empty house, distraught and isolated and aching for me to come back.

Just imagining how isolated and abandoned I would have felt, had the situation been reversed and I was waiting for HIM to come back to me.

Mr J......  I AM SO SORRY THAT I WASN'T HERE TO PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU HAD FALLEN.

You were there for me when I was hospitalised and afraid that my life would be forever changed by a serious illness.

You picked me up and carried me when I had lost faith in myself.

You nurtured me through four miscarriages and the onslaught of depression that was so bad I was just inches away from taking my own life because the grief was far too much to cope with.

But where was I for you when you needed me most?

The guilt weighs heavily on me tonight.