1st of April - AF arrives. The joke is on me, I'm the April Fool.
22nd of April - should have been DH's little girl's 9th birthday (the baby he and his former partner conceived). Even though that has nothing to do with me, it just makes me sad that my husband is grieving not just for the 4 pregnancies we lost but this one too. She would have been his first born.
23rd of April - should have been the 4th birthday of our 2nd angel
24th of April - should have been the 2nd birthday of our 4th angel, Joshua
Joshua's 2nd birthday was a sad day but also a day tinged with hope. After months of pain and sadness, Mr J & I sat down for a long talk and for the first time in months he reached out to me and gave me a hug and a kiss. It was so unexpected and I cried like a fool. I'd like to think that our little boy gave his dad a gentle shove and whispered in his ear that it was okay to let his guard down.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
While you were sleeping
Sitting here typing while my husband sleeps. He has no idea how deeply I ache just for a moment's affection from him. He looks so peaceful and handsome, I just want to go over and rest my head on his chest and wrap my arms around him.
Some days he laughs and smiles and jokes with me and I see the "old" DH again. There are moments when he speaks to me with an affection and tenderness in his voice and a twinkle in his eyes that he probably doesn't realise. Moments of levity that bring me joy but bring so much pain at the same time.
How can it be all over between us if we can still share moments like that?
So much shit has happened, he is making me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It probably causes him pain to see me every day and be reminded of all we have endured and lost. And by refusing to go to counselling together, he is avoiding taking responsibility for his behaviour.
If we don't have counselling then these issues remain unresolved and the universe will keep sending us the same lessons until we learn from them.
As soon as my pay comes through I'll be attending counselling on my own.
He left me a letter two weeks ago, telling me that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counselling with me, he just wants me to move out and go back to my home country. I refuse to leave, I don't believe that it's over between us.
Some days he laughs and smiles and jokes with me and I see the "old" DH again. There are moments when he speaks to me with an affection and tenderness in his voice and a twinkle in his eyes that he probably doesn't realise. Moments of levity that bring me joy but bring so much pain at the same time.
How can it be all over between us if we can still share moments like that?
So much shit has happened, he is making me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It probably causes him pain to see me every day and be reminded of all we have endured and lost. And by refusing to go to counselling together, he is avoiding taking responsibility for his behaviour.
If we don't have counselling then these issues remain unresolved and the universe will keep sending us the same lessons until we learn from them.
As soon as my pay comes through I'll be attending counselling on my own.
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