Joshua

If that horrible haematoma hadn't stolen you away when you were still growing in my body, you would be here today.  You would be 2 years, 5 months and 6 days old going by your due date of 24th April 2009.

I am staying with some friends who have a little boy who would be the perfect playmate for you, he's just a bit younger than you would be now.  I have no doubt you would be taller than him because I know you would have inherited your dad's height.  I wonder if you'd have full lips and dark brown hair just like him too, or would you be a little blondie like I was?

You'd probably be speaking almost in full sentences, a mixture of English and Australian accents in your words.  And you'd love talking on the phone to your Nanna and Grandpa in Sydney too.  And your uncles Matty & John, they'd be really excited to be on their way here in a few weeks' time to come and meet you in person.

I feel so sad, knowing that I will never know you, my son.

Agony

Day 3 of my period, it is heavy and painful.

My whole body is screaming in anguish, I can feel every cell within me fighting against what is happening to my marriage.

The reality of what is happening is only just starting to hit me, I'm not sleeping much.  Every time I wake during the night I start thinking about my husband and I feel sick.  It is so difficult trying to accept that he wants me out of his life, he NEVER wants to see me again or let me be a part of his life.  He doesn't care about the fact that he just quit on our relationship and the effect this is having on me.

What is really fucked up is that last year, when he gave me the whole "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you" spiel, he then had a meltdown a couple of weeks later and hugged and kissed me and told me he wanted to save our marriage.  And then he turned around and fucked another woman while I was visiting my family in Australia, he continued to pursue her even after I had returned to the UK.  Even after I had discovered that he was cheating, he still continued to cheat, even though he pretended it was all over.

I feel angry at him, angry at myself.  I hate that I compromised to try to save our marriage and yet he compromised NOTHING.

I don't know how to handle the grief and the rage.  Part of me wants to hurt him, another part of me wants to hug him.  And never let him go because he is my HUSBAND and I love him and I want to be with him forever.

So now, I drink.  I've never wanted to use alcohol as a form of escape, to numb my emotions.  It's cheaper than a therapist, something that I cannot afford.

How the fuck am I supposed to let go?

Crying

So hard, my chest hurts.  You know, those heaving sobs that make you feel like your heart is going to burst.

This is fucked.

I hate him for the way he has treated me, and yet the realisation that I will never again wake up with him next to me is just about unbearable.

Seven years.

How do I move on?