Agony

Day 3 of my period, it is heavy and painful.

My whole body is screaming in anguish, I can feel every cell within me fighting against what is happening to my marriage.

The reality of what is happening is only just starting to hit me, I'm not sleeping much.  Every time I wake during the night I start thinking about my husband and I feel sick.  It is so difficult trying to accept that he wants me out of his life, he NEVER wants to see me again or let me be a part of his life.  He doesn't care about the fact that he just quit on our relationship and the effect this is having on me.

What is really fucked up is that last year, when he gave me the whole "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you" spiel, he then had a meltdown a couple of weeks later and hugged and kissed me and told me he wanted to save our marriage.  And then he turned around and fucked another woman while I was visiting my family in Australia, he continued to pursue her even after I had returned to the UK.  Even after I had discovered that he was cheating, he still continued to cheat, even though he pretended it was all over.

I feel angry at him, angry at myself.  I hate that I compromised to try to save our marriage and yet he compromised NOTHING.

I don't know how to handle the grief and the rage.  Part of me wants to hurt him, another part of me wants to hug him.  And never let him go because he is my HUSBAND and I love him and I want to be with him forever.

So now, I drink.  I've never wanted to use alcohol as a form of escape, to numb my emotions.  It's cheaper than a therapist, something that I cannot afford.

How the fuck am I supposed to let go?