Dropping like flies

Looks like not only have I alienated the people who were initially outraged by my husband's cheating behaviour, but I seem to be losing followers to my blog as well.

Seems it's not interesting enough anymore, or maybe they only want to follow blogs of people who are still in the TTC phase of a relationship.

Sorry I bore you so much.

At least I have two friends in the UK who are totally on my side.  They are such lovely people who, I didn't realise until yesterday, actually like me MORE than they like my husband, and they have known him for about 20 years whereas they have only known me for 3 and we have spent so little time together but I guess I have always warmed to them because I feel like I have so much in common.

So it was great to catch up with them yesterday and pour my heart out and let them know just how horrid the last couple of years have been and all the cheating and betrayal and how cruel and selfish my husband has become.  My friends were completely shocked and are absolutely furious, so husband is going to be left wondering why they don't want to see him anymore.  I haven't told him that I am in contact with them, as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business, they are my friends.

Isolation

I am 12,000 miles from home.

Not a single friend here to confide in.

All of my husband's friends and family have shunned me, their loyalties lie with him despite their initial outrage at his infidelity.

Why the hell am I being punished for his crimes???

Defeated

It is all over.

Any hopes I had of us being able to repair our marriage are over.

He tells me that he wants to "see where things go" with his new girlfriend.

I have been thrown out, cast aside in favour of her, because she doesn't have the "baggage" that I have.

Fucked up hey???

Seven years of my life, I committed to this man.

I'm so fucking scared of stepping out on my own and rebuilding the fragments of my life.

Another visit?

Back in February of this year, a strange thing happened.

This morning I woke up and the same thing happened again, only this time it was the light on the furthest side of the bed.

Considering that my husband hasn't slept in our bed since December, and I never use his bedside lamp because I have my own....  I feel like his Gran's spirit has come to visit me again.

The first time she visited, it was just days after her funeral.

This second visit, it happened just days after I went and placed some flowers on her grave.

I miss Gran so much, it feels like I never got to say a proper goodbye.

The stranger

It really hit me hard tonight, realising that my husband never looks at me with tenderness and a smile anymore.  

He never calls me "hun" or "hunny bunny" like he used to.  He is so cold and distant.  

There are no snuggles on the sofa after dinner while we watch TV, no holding my hand as we go places.  

No pinch on the bum which he always knew I'd tell him off for if he did it in public.  

He's a changed man, he's like a stranger.

My heart is aching with so much sadness for the man I knew as my husband.  

What happened to us?

I feel like it's all my fault, that I'm the one who has changed so much that there is nothing left to love anymore.

Nothing left to love.