Hunters & Collectors - True Tears Of Joy (1992)

Come on confess your confusion
Spread it around
They trickle down your cheeks tears fall
Like seed on barren ground
Your thoughts are scattered
Like paper everywhere
Tiny pieces of laughter and despair

But you cry true tears of joy

Passion is your weakness
But you feed it everyday
Like a moth to the naked flame
You just can't keep away
You twist the truth, then you turn the other cheek
Everybody knows it's just salvation that you seek

And you cry true tears of joy
oh you cry true tears of joy
oh yeah

It flickers on your face
I can see it in your eyes
I knew you for a moment
So don't be so suprised
Its only pleasure that you can't resist
But say one word of truth

And I'll see you cry true tears of joy
Oh you cry true tears of joy
Yeah you cry true tears of joy
Oh you cry true tears of joy
Oh yeah

Metformin

After several years of being told by my Gynaecologist that due to my medical history I cannot take Metformin, I've now been told that the drug may be just the thing I need.  I am having a fasting blood test next week, once the results are in I will be referred for some other testing before I find out if it's safe for me to take Metformin.

Fuck.

Why.... why why why why?

Why didn't anyone do these tests sooner, why have we wasted so much time AGAIN?  First the Pill which fucked up my hormones.  Now this?

Well, if it's going to help, fine, I'll take it.

Whatever.

Lies

They are like daggers in my heart.

Crowded House - Better Be Home Soon

Do you ever have this experience where a song starts on the radio and you're not really listening to it until there is a specific line that just makes you want to crumple into a ball and cry your eyes out? This is happening to me every day at the moment, especially at work where we have to listen to a selection of CDs that are played on a loop. Some of the music makes me want to scream as its so awful, but then there is some really good stuff that puts me in a good mood, then all of a sudden I come crashing down because the song is about broken hearts, lost love, or being in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

It would cause me pain if we were to end it

But I could start again, you can depend on it

And I know I'm right

For the first time in my life

That's why I tell you

You'd better be home soon

Oh

That's why I tell you

You'd better be home soon

Dr appt

Two reasons, firstly to get recommendations for a good local (affordable!) counsellor and secondly to get some help with my menstrual cycles as they are irregular again.  The non stop bleeding thing is happening again, always a sign that I'm anovulatory.

Can't use the Pill due to my medical history, no point in taking Clomid if I'm not ttc, so I have to have a blood test before the Dr decides what my treatment options are to get my cycles back into some sense of regularity.  Not that there are any plans to ttc, that is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.  Trying to keep my marriage from falling apart is my only real priority right now.

Billy Joel - To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

For my husband (if you ever read this blog)

Please forgive me

If I act a little strange

For I know not what I do

Feels like lightning running through my veins

Every time I look at you


~ David Gray ~

The mother within

http://wisdomofme.weebly.com/1/post/2011/05/happy-mother-within-day.html

Mothers Day

Another year goes by and nobody has bothered to acknowledge my angel babies, I feel so completely broken inside, yet another Mothers Day passes without a baby in my arms or nestled in my womb.

I hoped that someone, anyone, would give me a hug or send me a message to say that they are thinking of me and acknowledging my losses.

Tough couple of days

I attended a bbq yesterday at our friends' place, the friends who are expecting their first baby sometime in August.  Mr J's best friend has been such a wonderful support to me these last few weeks, I couldn't turn down his kind invitation.  I wanted to go, but at the same time I wanted to avoid the situation because I didn't want to be around his pregnant wife.

I tried not to look at her pregnant belly while I was there, but it was difficult not to notice.  All I could think was just how unfair it is that she is pregnant and I am not.  Not that she doesn't deserve it, she's perfectly entitled to be happy and to have a baby, she is a good and kind person who takes care of herself and her family, I'm sure she will be a great mother.  It's just....  words fail me.  It hurts like hell.

The way her tummy protruded and she carried herself so proudly, the way she sat down and rested her hands on the upper part of her belly so naturally.  Why can't I have that?  Why have I been robbed of that FOUR TIMES while she gets to hold onto her pregnancy and be filled with anticipation for the future?  Not that I want anything less than that for her and her husband.  But what makes me so different or any less deserving than her or any other woman who is blessed with a fertile body?

Tonight I was looking at some photos of my husband and I when we were holidaying in late 2008 in Australia before coming to the UK to visit his family & friends.  There was one particular photo that a few friends left comments for, sharing the same sentiments about how relaxed and in love we looked.  I suppose we were but I could also see alot of pain and grief etched on our faces that other people probably couldn't see.  We had just lost our baby only 6 weeks before, then our business just a couple of weeks later.  Everything that my husband had worked so damned hard for had gone up on smoke.  If I could go back to Australia just so we could be back on the farm with all the animals Mr J had bred I would do it, as much as I hated that farm, I'd do it just to have my loving husband back.