Tough couple of days

I attended a bbq yesterday at our friends' place, the friends who are expecting their first baby sometime in August.  Mr J's best friend has been such a wonderful support to me these last few weeks, I couldn't turn down his kind invitation.  I wanted to go, but at the same time I wanted to avoid the situation because I didn't want to be around his pregnant wife.

I tried not to look at her pregnant belly while I was there, but it was difficult not to notice.  All I could think was just how unfair it is that she is pregnant and I am not.  Not that she doesn't deserve it, she's perfectly entitled to be happy and to have a baby, she is a good and kind person who takes care of herself and her family, I'm sure she will be a great mother.  It's just....  words fail me.  It hurts like hell.

The way her tummy protruded and she carried herself so proudly, the way she sat down and rested her hands on the upper part of her belly so naturally.  Why can't I have that?  Why have I been robbed of that FOUR TIMES while she gets to hold onto her pregnancy and be filled with anticipation for the future?  Not that I want anything less than that for her and her husband.  But what makes me so different or any less deserving than her or any other woman who is blessed with a fertile body?

Tonight I was looking at some photos of my husband and I when we were holidaying in late 2008 in Australia before coming to the UK to visit his family & friends.  There was one particular photo that a few friends left comments for, sharing the same sentiments about how relaxed and in love we looked.  I suppose we were but I could also see alot of pain and grief etched on our faces that other people probably couldn't see.  We had just lost our baby only 6 weeks before, then our business just a couple of weeks later.  Everything that my husband had worked so damned hard for had gone up on smoke.  If I could go back to Australia just so we could be back on the farm with all the animals Mr J had bred I would do it, as much as I hated that farm, I'd do it just to have my loving husband back.