If that horrible haematoma hadn't stolen you away when you were still growing in my body, you would be here today. You would be 2 years, 5 months and 6 days old going by your due date of 24th April 2009.
I am staying with some friends who have a little boy who would be the perfect playmate for you, he's just a bit younger than you would be now. I have no doubt you would be taller than him because I know you would have inherited your dad's height. I wonder if you'd have full lips and dark brown hair just like him too, or would you be a little blondie like I was?
You'd probably be speaking almost in full sentences, a mixture of English and Australian accents in your words. And you'd love talking on the phone to your Nanna and Grandpa in Sydney too. And your uncles Matty & John, they'd be really excited to be on their way here in a few weeks' time to come and meet you in person.
I feel so sad, knowing that I will never know you, my son.
Friday, 30 September 2011
Thursday, 8 September 2011
Agony
Day 3 of my period, it is heavy and painful.
My whole body is screaming in anguish, I can feel every cell within me fighting against what is happening to my marriage.
The reality of what is happening is only just starting to hit me, I'm not sleeping much. Every time I wake during the night I start thinking about my husband and I feel sick. It is so difficult trying to accept that he wants me out of his life, he NEVER wants to see me again or let me be a part of his life. He doesn't care about the fact that he just quit on our relationship and the effect this is having on me.
What is really fucked up is that last year, when he gave me the whole "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you" spiel, he then had a meltdown a couple of weeks later and hugged and kissed me and told me he wanted to save our marriage. And then he turned around and fucked another woman while I was visiting my family in Australia, he continued to pursue her even after I had returned to the UK. Even after I had discovered that he was cheating, he still continued to cheat, even though he pretended it was all over.
I feel angry at him, angry at myself. I hate that I compromised to try to save our marriage and yet he compromised NOTHING.
I don't know how to handle the grief and the rage. Part of me wants to hurt him, another part of me wants to hug him. And never let him go because he is my HUSBAND and I love him and I want to be with him forever.
So now, I drink. I've never wanted to use alcohol as a form of escape, to numb my emotions. It's cheaper than a therapist, something that I cannot afford.
How the fuck am I supposed to let go?
My whole body is screaming in anguish, I can feel every cell within me fighting against what is happening to my marriage.
The reality of what is happening is only just starting to hit me, I'm not sleeping much. Every time I wake during the night I start thinking about my husband and I feel sick. It is so difficult trying to accept that he wants me out of his life, he NEVER wants to see me again or let me be a part of his life. He doesn't care about the fact that he just quit on our relationship and the effect this is having on me.
What is really fucked up is that last year, when he gave me the whole "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you" spiel, he then had a meltdown a couple of weeks later and hugged and kissed me and told me he wanted to save our marriage. And then he turned around and fucked another woman while I was visiting my family in Australia, he continued to pursue her even after I had returned to the UK. Even after I had discovered that he was cheating, he still continued to cheat, even though he pretended it was all over.
I feel angry at him, angry at myself. I hate that I compromised to try to save our marriage and yet he compromised NOTHING.
I don't know how to handle the grief and the rage. Part of me wants to hurt him, another part of me wants to hug him. And never let him go because he is my HUSBAND and I love him and I want to be with him forever.
So now, I drink. I've never wanted to use alcohol as a form of escape, to numb my emotions. It's cheaper than a therapist, something that I cannot afford.
How the fuck am I supposed to let go?
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Crying
So hard, my chest hurts. You know, those heaving sobs that make you feel like your heart is going to burst.
This is fucked.
I hate him for the way he has treated me, and yet the realisation that I will never again wake up with him next to me is just about unbearable.
Seven years.
How do I move on?
This is fucked.
I hate him for the way he has treated me, and yet the realisation that I will never again wake up with him next to me is just about unbearable.
Seven years.
How do I move on?
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Stabbing like tiny knives
Seeing my husband, or even speaking to him over the phone, causes so much pain. It can't be avoided though, we need to speak to each other to make arrangements for my return home and to divide up our assets and personal belongings.
I had to call him today to choose a day and time to see each other and deal with things and he gave me this attitude as soon as he answered the phone as if to say "What does she want this time???" - it fucking hurts to be treated like that. I snapped back at him "Gee thanks alot!" to which he apologized and rightly so.
As much as I love him still, the sooner I can get him out of MY life, the better for me.
I had to call him today to choose a day and time to see each other and deal with things and he gave me this attitude as soon as he answered the phone as if to say "What does she want this time???" - it fucking hurts to be treated like that. I snapped back at him "Gee thanks alot!" to which he apologized and rightly so.
As much as I love him still, the sooner I can get him out of MY life, the better for me.
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Tears, tears, tears
Such incredible sadness.
I am losing my best friend, the man who I have regarded as my hero for the last 7 years. He is slipping away from me and it feels like a death. I am grieving for him as if he is dead. How fucked is that?
I know we have experienced alot of stress and painful stuff in such a short space of time compared to alot of couples but it is in the past and we can still have a great future if he would just open himself up and allow it.
There is also alot of unresolved trauma and grief for which we both need counselling. It concerns me that he just wants to brush it all under the mat and not deal with it. It happened to BOTH of us, we should be able to grieve together but it has never happened, either he was having counselling or I was, it's always been separately.
It's so wrong that our marriage is being destroyed by stuff we had no control over.
I am losing my best friend, the man who I have regarded as my hero for the last 7 years. He is slipping away from me and it feels like a death. I am grieving for him as if he is dead. How fucked is that?
I know we have experienced alot of stress and painful stuff in such a short space of time compared to alot of couples but it is in the past and we can still have a great future if he would just open himself up and allow it.
There is also alot of unresolved trauma and grief for which we both need counselling. It concerns me that he just wants to brush it all under the mat and not deal with it. It happened to BOTH of us, we should be able to grieve together but it has never happened, either he was having counselling or I was, it's always been separately.
It's so wrong that our marriage is being destroyed by stuff we had no control over.
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Dropping like flies
Looks like not only have I alienated the people who were initially outraged by my husband's cheating behaviour, but I seem to be losing followers to my blog as well.
Seems it's not interesting enough anymore, or maybe they only want to follow blogs of people who are still in the TTC phase of a relationship.
Sorry I bore you so much.
At least I have two friends in the UK who are totally on my side. They are such lovely people who, I didn't realise until yesterday, actually like me MORE than they like my husband, and they have known him for about 20 years whereas they have only known me for 3 and we have spent so little time together but I guess I have always warmed to them because I feel like I have so much in common.
So it was great to catch up with them yesterday and pour my heart out and let them know just how horrid the last couple of years have been and all the cheating and betrayal and how cruel and selfish my husband has become. My friends were completely shocked and are absolutely furious, so husband is going to be left wondering why they don't want to see him anymore. I haven't told him that I am in contact with them, as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business, they are my friends.
Seems it's not interesting enough anymore, or maybe they only want to follow blogs of people who are still in the TTC phase of a relationship.
Sorry I bore you so much.
At least I have two friends in the UK who are totally on my side. They are such lovely people who, I didn't realise until yesterday, actually like me MORE than they like my husband, and they have known him for about 20 years whereas they have only known me for 3 and we have spent so little time together but I guess I have always warmed to them because I feel like I have so much in common.
So it was great to catch up with them yesterday and pour my heart out and let them know just how horrid the last couple of years have been and all the cheating and betrayal and how cruel and selfish my husband has become. My friends were completely shocked and are absolutely furious, so husband is going to be left wondering why they don't want to see him anymore. I haven't told him that I am in contact with them, as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business, they are my friends.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Isolation
I am 12,000 miles from home.
Not a single friend here to confide in.
All of my husband's friends and family have shunned me, their loyalties lie with him despite their initial outrage at his infidelity.
Why the hell am I being punished for his crimes???
Not a single friend here to confide in.
All of my husband's friends and family have shunned me, their loyalties lie with him despite their initial outrage at his infidelity.
Why the hell am I being punished for his crimes???
Friday, 22 July 2011
Defeated
It is all over.
Any hopes I had of us being able to repair our marriage are over.
He tells me that he wants to "see where things go" with his new girlfriend.
I have been thrown out, cast aside in favour of her, because she doesn't have the "baggage" that I have.
Fucked up hey???
Seven years of my life, I committed to this man.
I'm so fucking scared of stepping out on my own and rebuilding the fragments of my life.
Any hopes I had of us being able to repair our marriage are over.
He tells me that he wants to "see where things go" with his new girlfriend.
I have been thrown out, cast aside in favour of her, because she doesn't have the "baggage" that I have.
Fucked up hey???
Seven years of my life, I committed to this man.
I'm so fucking scared of stepping out on my own and rebuilding the fragments of my life.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Another visit?
Back in February of this year, a strange thing happened.
This morning I woke up and the same thing happened again, only this time it was the light on the furthest side of the bed.
Considering that my husband hasn't slept in our bed since December, and I never use his bedside lamp because I have my own.... I feel like his Gran's spirit has come to visit me again.
The first time she visited, it was just days after her funeral.
This second visit, it happened just days after I went and placed some flowers on her grave.
I miss Gran so much, it feels like I never got to say a proper goodbye.
This morning I woke up and the same thing happened again, only this time it was the light on the furthest side of the bed.
Considering that my husband hasn't slept in our bed since December, and I never use his bedside lamp because I have my own.... I feel like his Gran's spirit has come to visit me again.
The first time she visited, it was just days after her funeral.
This second visit, it happened just days after I went and placed some flowers on her grave.
I miss Gran so much, it feels like I never got to say a proper goodbye.
The stranger
It really hit me hard tonight, realising that my husband never looks at me with tenderness and a smile anymore.
He never calls me "hun" or "hunny bunny" like he used to. He is so cold and distant.
There are no snuggles on the sofa after dinner while we watch TV, no holding my hand as we go places.
No pinch on the bum which he always knew I'd tell him off for if he did it in public.
He's a changed man, he's like a stranger.
My heart is aching with so much sadness for the man I knew as my husband.
What happened to us?
I feel like it's all my fault, that I'm the one who has changed so much that there is nothing left to love anymore.
Nothing left to love.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Flowers
I went to the cemetery the day after my counselling session and left a lovely posie of mixed flowers in various shades of cream and peach. It felt good to just sit there and cry and talk to Gran for a little while. I miss her so much.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Grief revisited
I had my 2nd session of counselling today and talked alot about Mr J's grandmother (Gran) who passed away back in February. I was shocked at the renewed sense of loss I am feeling for a beautiful lady who was the grandmother I never had when I was growing up. Neither of my actual grandmothers took any interest in me when I was a child and both died before my 10th birthday, possibly by my 9th. I can't even remember what years they died in, that is how detached I am from them.
Tonight I am missing Gran alot.... even though in real life I would never have burdened her with the problems that I have, I just wish I could talk to her now and tell her how sad I am feeling.
At counselling we also talked about the miscarriages and it really hit home how, more than 2.5 years since the 4th loss, I am still haunted by it every day. The blood, the mess, the tiny little baby I cradled in my hand, the long nights in hospital when I cried so hard that my eyes were swollen shut, the sedatives, the surgery a few days later to remove the retained placenta.
No happy memories, just trauma. How do people just expect me to "get over" something like that? Oh wait, that must be the "chip on my shoulder" that I've been told I need to get rid of.
Tonight I am missing Gran alot.... even though in real life I would never have burdened her with the problems that I have, I just wish I could talk to her now and tell her how sad I am feeling.
At counselling we also talked about the miscarriages and it really hit home how, more than 2.5 years since the 4th loss, I am still haunted by it every day. The blood, the mess, the tiny little baby I cradled in my hand, the long nights in hospital when I cried so hard that my eyes were swollen shut, the sedatives, the surgery a few days later to remove the retained placenta.
No happy memories, just trauma. How do people just expect me to "get over" something like that? Oh wait, that must be the "chip on my shoulder" that I've been told I need to get rid of.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Ignorance must be bliss, right?
So when I found out that my former BFF was pregnant, it really knocked my confidence.
Not only was she going to have a baby before me, but she fell pregnant within the first month of her marriage.
Worse than that was the way she went about NOT telling me but instead chose to tell other friends "by accident". She had ample opportunity to tell me before telling them but she chose not to even though she feigned caring and being sensitive to my needs. Well what a kick in the teeth to find out via Facebook and then via the pregnancy forums of which I have been a member since 2006.
When I confronted her about it she was utterly perplexed and insulted that I didn't congratulate her straight away. Because it IS all about her, yeah? Not at all about the fact that I have been swept aside and my feelings diminished to zilch.
She told me, after I had endured 4 miscarriages and severe depression, that I needed to "get rid of the chip on my shoulder" and that my bitterness was caused by the group of women I chose as a support network (because they have all endured infertility and are just a bunch of bitter bitches too I suppose!!).
Well I guess that's all the proof one needs to show that I am miserable and bitter and selfish. Of course it has nothing to do with the isolation, pain and lack of support from that supposed BFF who didn't once come to hold my hand or lay and cry with me. Nope, because saving your money to indulge in as many skiing trips as you could was a MUCH higher priority.
Of course, I flew 1/2 way around the world to be there for you on your wedding day last year, but a few years ago when I was living interstate and only an hour's flying time away and I needed you, it was too much to expect from the person I considered as my sister to come and be by my side.
I NEEDED YOU.
I needed someone I could trust.
You let me down.
Do fertiles think that we "get over" our losses after a prescribed period of grieving? I'd love to know what it's like to be one of them so I can be blissfully ignorant too.
Not only was she going to have a baby before me, but she fell pregnant within the first month of her marriage.
Worse than that was the way she went about NOT telling me but instead chose to tell other friends "by accident". She had ample opportunity to tell me before telling them but she chose not to even though she feigned caring and being sensitive to my needs. Well what a kick in the teeth to find out via Facebook and then via the pregnancy forums of which I have been a member since 2006.
When I confronted her about it she was utterly perplexed and insulted that I didn't congratulate her straight away. Because it IS all about her, yeah? Not at all about the fact that I have been swept aside and my feelings diminished to zilch.
She told me, after I had endured 4 miscarriages and severe depression, that I needed to "get rid of the chip on my shoulder" and that my bitterness was caused by the group of women I chose as a support network (because they have all endured infertility and are just a bunch of bitter bitches too I suppose!!).
Well I guess that's all the proof one needs to show that I am miserable and bitter and selfish. Of course it has nothing to do with the isolation, pain and lack of support from that supposed BFF who didn't once come to hold my hand or lay and cry with me. Nope, because saving your money to indulge in as many skiing trips as you could was a MUCH higher priority.
Of course, I flew 1/2 way around the world to be there for you on your wedding day last year, but a few years ago when I was living interstate and only an hour's flying time away and I needed you, it was too much to expect from the person I considered as my sister to come and be by my side.
I NEEDED YOU.
I needed someone I could trust.
You let me down.
Do fertiles think that we "get over" our losses after a prescribed period of grieving? I'd love to know what it's like to be one of them so I can be blissfully ignorant too.
Friday, 17 June 2011
Dread
The birth of my former BFF's baby is going to happen anyday now.
She's having a girl.
I am so filled with dread and sorrow.
Can't believe that she got her BFP so quickly, just 6 weeks after her wedding.
I've been married more than 5.5 years and still no baby.
It hurts.
HURTS.
Cuts like a knife.
Why does she get a baby so soon and I have to go through so much pain and sorrow?
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to be punished this way?
All I want is to be a mother and to share the journey of parenthood with my husband.
Is that too much to ask?
She's having a girl.
I am so filled with dread and sorrow.
Can't believe that she got her BFP so quickly, just 6 weeks after her wedding.
I've been married more than 5.5 years and still no baby.
It hurts.
HURTS.
Cuts like a knife.
Why does she get a baby so soon and I have to go through so much pain and sorrow?
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to be punished this way?
All I want is to be a mother and to share the journey of parenthood with my husband.
Is that too much to ask?
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
I let him down
Mr J and I were separated in 2009 for six months, not by choice but because I had to return to Aus to apply for a Visa so that I could return to live and work in the UK.
I totally regret the decision because it ultimately caused so much damage to our relationship.
Mr J was in a very fragile state after losing our precious son Joshua as well as the business that he had strived so hard for.
He should NEVER have been left on his own for that long.
The day he dropped me off at Heathrow and fiercely hugged and kissed me goodbye, he begged me to come back within a few weeks.
I didn't return for SIX FUCKING MONTHS.
I had alot of stuff to sort out in Aus before I could come back, I also stuffed up my Visa application which was rejected, so then I had to apply for the correct Visa which was apparently going to take up to 3 months to be processed and approved (or rejected).
Thankfully, with a heartfelt letter attached to my application stating the reasons for my request to have the application processed urgently, it only took 5 weeks and I was jetting back to the UK just two weeks later.
But those 6 months were the longest, most hellish time of my life.
I could feel my husband slipping away from me.
He was severely depressed.
He needed me.
And I wasn't here for him.
I hate myself for not picking up the phone and begging his friends to help, if only I had done that, perhaps Mr J wouldn't have been in so much distress.
I feel like he hates me for abandoning him and this is my punishment.
Tonight, I broke down crying as I drove home from work as I pictured this fragile man sitting alone in a virtually empty house, distraught and isolated and aching for me to come back.
Just imagining how isolated and abandoned I would have felt, had the situation been reversed and I was waiting for HIM to come back to me.
Mr J...... I AM SO SORRY THAT I WASN'T HERE TO PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU HAD FALLEN.
You were there for me when I was hospitalised and afraid that my life would be forever changed by a serious illness.
You picked me up and carried me when I had lost faith in myself.
You nurtured me through four miscarriages and the onslaught of depression that was so bad I was just inches away from taking my own life because the grief was far too much to cope with.
But where was I for you when you needed me most?
The guilt weighs heavily on me tonight.
I totally regret the decision because it ultimately caused so much damage to our relationship.
Mr J was in a very fragile state after losing our precious son Joshua as well as the business that he had strived so hard for.
He should NEVER have been left on his own for that long.
The day he dropped me off at Heathrow and fiercely hugged and kissed me goodbye, he begged me to come back within a few weeks.
I didn't return for SIX FUCKING MONTHS.
I had alot of stuff to sort out in Aus before I could come back, I also stuffed up my Visa application which was rejected, so then I had to apply for the correct Visa which was apparently going to take up to 3 months to be processed and approved (or rejected).
Thankfully, with a heartfelt letter attached to my application stating the reasons for my request to have the application processed urgently, it only took 5 weeks and I was jetting back to the UK just two weeks later.
But those 6 months were the longest, most hellish time of my life.
I could feel my husband slipping away from me.
He was severely depressed.
He needed me.
And I wasn't here for him.
I hate myself for not picking up the phone and begging his friends to help, if only I had done that, perhaps Mr J wouldn't have been in so much distress.
I feel like he hates me for abandoning him and this is my punishment.
Tonight, I broke down crying as I drove home from work as I pictured this fragile man sitting alone in a virtually empty house, distraught and isolated and aching for me to come back.
Just imagining how isolated and abandoned I would have felt, had the situation been reversed and I was waiting for HIM to come back to me.
Mr J...... I AM SO SORRY THAT I WASN'T HERE TO PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU HAD FALLEN.
You were there for me when I was hospitalised and afraid that my life would be forever changed by a serious illness.
You picked me up and carried me when I had lost faith in myself.
You nurtured me through four miscarriages and the onslaught of depression that was so bad I was just inches away from taking my own life because the grief was far too much to cope with.
But where was I for you when you needed me most?
The guilt weighs heavily on me tonight.
Monday, 30 May 2011
Hunters & Collectors - True Tears Of Joy (1992)
Come on confess your confusion
Spread it around
They trickle down your cheeks tears fall
Like seed on barren ground
Your thoughts are scattered
Like paper everywhere
Tiny pieces of laughter and despair
But you cry true tears of joy
Passion is your weakness
But you feed it everyday
Like a moth to the naked flame
You just can't keep away
You twist the truth, then you turn the other cheek
Everybody knows it's just salvation that you seek
And you cry true tears of joy
oh you cry true tears of joy
oh yeah
It flickers on your face
I can see it in your eyes
I knew you for a moment
So don't be so suprised
Its only pleasure that you can't resist
But say one word of truth
And I'll see you cry true tears of joy
Oh you cry true tears of joy
Yeah you cry true tears of joy
Oh you cry true tears of joy
Oh yeah
Spread it around
They trickle down your cheeks tears fall
Like seed on barren ground
Your thoughts are scattered
Like paper everywhere
Tiny pieces of laughter and despair
But you cry true tears of joy
Passion is your weakness
But you feed it everyday
Like a moth to the naked flame
You just can't keep away
You twist the truth, then you turn the other cheek
Everybody knows it's just salvation that you seek
And you cry true tears of joy
oh you cry true tears of joy
oh yeah
It flickers on your face
I can see it in your eyes
I knew you for a moment
So don't be so suprised
Its only pleasure that you can't resist
But say one word of truth
And I'll see you cry true tears of joy
Oh you cry true tears of joy
Yeah you cry true tears of joy
Oh you cry true tears of joy
Oh yeah
Sunday, 29 May 2011
Metformin
After several years of being told by my Gynaecologist that due to my medical history I cannot take Metformin, I've now been told that the drug may be just the thing I need. I am having a fasting blood test next week, once the results are in I will be referred for some other testing before I find out if it's safe for me to take Metformin.
Fuck.
Why.... why why why why?
Why didn't anyone do these tests sooner, why have we wasted so much time AGAIN? First the Pill which fucked up my hormones. Now this?
Well, if it's going to help, fine, I'll take it.
Whatever.
Fuck.
Why.... why why why why?
Why didn't anyone do these tests sooner, why have we wasted so much time AGAIN? First the Pill which fucked up my hormones. Now this?
Well, if it's going to help, fine, I'll take it.
Whatever.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Crowded House - Better Be Home Soon
Do you ever have this experience where a song starts on the radio and you're not really listening to it until there is a specific line that just makes you want to crumple into a ball and cry your eyes out? This is happening to me every day at the moment, especially at work where we have to listen to a selection of CDs that are played on a loop. Some of the music makes me want to scream as its so awful, but then there is some really good stuff that puts me in a good mood, then all of a sudden I come crashing down because the song is about broken hearts, lost love, or being in love with someone who doesn't love me back.
It would cause me pain if we were to end it
But I could start again, you can depend on it
And I know I'm right
For the first time in my life
That's why I tell you
You'd better be home soon
Oh
That's why I tell you
You'd better be home soon
Monday, 23 May 2011
Dr appt
Two reasons, firstly to get recommendations for a good local (affordable!) counsellor and secondly to get some help with my menstrual cycles as they are irregular again. The non stop bleeding thing is happening again, always a sign that I'm anovulatory.
Can't use the Pill due to my medical history, no point in taking Clomid if I'm not ttc, so I have to have a blood test before the Dr decides what my treatment options are to get my cycles back into some sense of regularity. Not that there are any plans to ttc, that is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. Trying to keep my marriage from falling apart is my only real priority right now.
Can't use the Pill due to my medical history, no point in taking Clomid if I'm not ttc, so I have to have a blood test before the Dr decides what my treatment options are to get my cycles back into some sense of regularity. Not that there are any plans to ttc, that is the furthest thing from my mind at the moment. Trying to keep my marriage from falling apart is my only real priority right now.
Saturday, 21 May 2011
Billy Joel - To Make You Feel My Love
When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong
I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet
I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love
Friday, 20 May 2011
For my husband (if you ever read this blog)
Please forgive me
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Every time I look at you
~ David Gray ~
If I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Every time I look at you
~ David Gray ~
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Mothers Day
Another year goes by and nobody has bothered to acknowledge my angel babies, I feel so completely broken inside, yet another Mothers Day passes without a baby in my arms or nestled in my womb.
I hoped that someone, anyone, would give me a hug or send me a message to say that they are thinking of me and acknowledging my losses.
I hoped that someone, anyone, would give me a hug or send me a message to say that they are thinking of me and acknowledging my losses.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Tough couple of days
I attended a bbq yesterday at our friends' place, the friends who are expecting their first baby sometime in August. Mr J's best friend has been such a wonderful support to me these last few weeks, I couldn't turn down his kind invitation. I wanted to go, but at the same time I wanted to avoid the situation because I didn't want to be around his pregnant wife.
I tried not to look at her pregnant belly while I was there, but it was difficult not to notice. All I could think was just how unfair it is that she is pregnant and I am not. Not that she doesn't deserve it, she's perfectly entitled to be happy and to have a baby, she is a good and kind person who takes care of herself and her family, I'm sure she will be a great mother. It's just.... words fail me. It hurts like hell.
The way her tummy protruded and she carried herself so proudly, the way she sat down and rested her hands on the upper part of her belly so naturally. Why can't I have that? Why have I been robbed of that FOUR TIMES while she gets to hold onto her pregnancy and be filled with anticipation for the future? Not that I want anything less than that for her and her husband. But what makes me so different or any less deserving than her or any other woman who is blessed with a fertile body?
Tonight I was looking at some photos of my husband and I when we were holidaying in late 2008 in Australia before coming to the UK to visit his family & friends. There was one particular photo that a few friends left comments for, sharing the same sentiments about how relaxed and in love we looked. I suppose we were but I could also see alot of pain and grief etched on our faces that other people probably couldn't see. We had just lost our baby only 6 weeks before, then our business just a couple of weeks later. Everything that my husband had worked so damned hard for had gone up on smoke. If I could go back to Australia just so we could be back on the farm with all the animals Mr J had bred I would do it, as much as I hated that farm, I'd do it just to have my loving husband back.
I tried not to look at her pregnant belly while I was there, but it was difficult not to notice. All I could think was just how unfair it is that she is pregnant and I am not. Not that she doesn't deserve it, she's perfectly entitled to be happy and to have a baby, she is a good and kind person who takes care of herself and her family, I'm sure she will be a great mother. It's just.... words fail me. It hurts like hell.
The way her tummy protruded and she carried herself so proudly, the way she sat down and rested her hands on the upper part of her belly so naturally. Why can't I have that? Why have I been robbed of that FOUR TIMES while she gets to hold onto her pregnancy and be filled with anticipation for the future? Not that I want anything less than that for her and her husband. But what makes me so different or any less deserving than her or any other woman who is blessed with a fertile body?
Tonight I was looking at some photos of my husband and I when we were holidaying in late 2008 in Australia before coming to the UK to visit his family & friends. There was one particular photo that a few friends left comments for, sharing the same sentiments about how relaxed and in love we looked. I suppose we were but I could also see alot of pain and grief etched on our faces that other people probably couldn't see. We had just lost our baby only 6 weeks before, then our business just a couple of weeks later. Everything that my husband had worked so damned hard for had gone up on smoke. If I could go back to Australia just so we could be back on the farm with all the animals Mr J had bred I would do it, as much as I hated that farm, I'd do it just to have my loving husband back.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
April, bittersweet April
1st of April - AF arrives. The joke is on me, I'm the April Fool.
22nd of April - should have been DH's little girl's 9th birthday (the baby he and his former partner conceived). Even though that has nothing to do with me, it just makes me sad that my husband is grieving not just for the 4 pregnancies we lost but this one too. She would have been his first born.
23rd of April - should have been the 4th birthday of our 2nd angel
24th of April - should have been the 2nd birthday of our 4th angel, Joshua
Joshua's 2nd birthday was a sad day but also a day tinged with hope. After months of pain and sadness, Mr J & I sat down for a long talk and for the first time in months he reached out to me and gave me a hug and a kiss. It was so unexpected and I cried like a fool. I'd like to think that our little boy gave his dad a gentle shove and whispered in his ear that it was okay to let his guard down.
22nd of April - should have been DH's little girl's 9th birthday (the baby he and his former partner conceived). Even though that has nothing to do with me, it just makes me sad that my husband is grieving not just for the 4 pregnancies we lost but this one too. She would have been his first born.
23rd of April - should have been the 4th birthday of our 2nd angel
24th of April - should have been the 2nd birthday of our 4th angel, Joshua
Joshua's 2nd birthday was a sad day but also a day tinged with hope. After months of pain and sadness, Mr J & I sat down for a long talk and for the first time in months he reached out to me and gave me a hug and a kiss. It was so unexpected and I cried like a fool. I'd like to think that our little boy gave his dad a gentle shove and whispered in his ear that it was okay to let his guard down.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
While you were sleeping
Sitting here typing while my husband sleeps. He has no idea how deeply I ache just for a moment's affection from him. He looks so peaceful and handsome, I just want to go over and rest my head on his chest and wrap my arms around him.
Some days he laughs and smiles and jokes with me and I see the "old" DH again. There are moments when he speaks to me with an affection and tenderness in his voice and a twinkle in his eyes that he probably doesn't realise. Moments of levity that bring me joy but bring so much pain at the same time.
How can it be all over between us if we can still share moments like that?
So much shit has happened, he is making me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It probably causes him pain to see me every day and be reminded of all we have endured and lost. And by refusing to go to counselling together, he is avoiding taking responsibility for his behaviour.
If we don't have counselling then these issues remain unresolved and the universe will keep sending us the same lessons until we learn from them.
As soon as my pay comes through I'll be attending counselling on my own.
He left me a letter two weeks ago, telling me that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counselling with me, he just wants me to move out and go back to my home country. I refuse to leave, I don't believe that it's over between us.
Some days he laughs and smiles and jokes with me and I see the "old" DH again. There are moments when he speaks to me with an affection and tenderness in his voice and a twinkle in his eyes that he probably doesn't realise. Moments of levity that bring me joy but bring so much pain at the same time.
How can it be all over between us if we can still share moments like that?
So much shit has happened, he is making me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It probably causes him pain to see me every day and be reminded of all we have endured and lost. And by refusing to go to counselling together, he is avoiding taking responsibility for his behaviour.
If we don't have counselling then these issues remain unresolved and the universe will keep sending us the same lessons until we learn from them.
As soon as my pay comes through I'll be attending counselling on my own.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Update
Even though I was looking forward to participating in the Fertility Focus Telesummit, I have to admit that I missed the whole event. There has been too much going on in my personal life and it seems quite pointless to be worrying about fertility or babies at the moment. My marriage has taken a serious tumble and I am trying my best to keep it from falling apart completely.
So until I know that things are improving, I will not be posting on this blog. Thank you for following, I hope to catch you again sometime down the track with happier news.
xo Baby Hopes
So until I know that things are improving, I will not be posting on this blog. Thank you for following, I hope to catch you again sometime down the track with happier news.
xo Baby Hopes
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Just a few days left to register!
There are only a few days left until the Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011 starts on Monday!
If you’re trying for a baby and it’s tak ing longer than you hoped, you will want to attend this free event. Never before have so many fertility experts from around the world come together to share so much vital information within an online event.
If you haven’t already registered, here’s the link to do so: Fertility Focus Telesummit.
Remember there’ll be daily presentations covering a wide range of fertility issues and I’m sure that
during the week you will learn new information, techniques and ideas that will move you further on in your own fertility journey.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Tormented
This is how much my situation hurts right now.
My former BFF is about 22 weeks pg (she is due early July but I can't be bothered trying to figure out exactly how far she is)
My husband's best friend's wife is around 16-17 weeks pg.
Today DH and I were returning home from seeing our nephew play soccer (football in you are in the UK) and we stopped at a pedestrian crossing to let a pg woman cross. She looked to be about 7 months pg. I couldn't stop staring at her and my heart was pounding, every cell in my body began to ache.
Less than a minute later, I saw another pg woman, this one was probably very close to her due date, and she was out walking with a friend. Both women were pushing little kids in prams/strollers.
I was in tears before we got home and it was less than a two minute drive.
Why?
Sad that that isn't me too.
Even sadder that my husband doesn't even know how he feels about me any more.
Scared that even if we do work things out, he is going to re-neg on the agreement we made to have a family.
Heartbroken because my chances of children could be over.
Torn between staying and trying to work things out, or leaving and trying to start afresh back in my home country and hoping that I meet someone wonderful who wants children as much as I do.
What if my husband decides, say 6-12 months from now, that he actually doesn't want to have kids, or worse, that he doesn't want to be married to me? I think I'd want to strangle him for dicking me around and wasting my precious time. And I would hate myself for making myself vulnerable and hopeful rather than making the decision to leave him sooner.
What's the fucking point of staying? I'm seriously questioning myself about it now.
My former BFF is about 22 weeks pg (she is due early July but I can't be bothered trying to figure out exactly how far she is)
My husband's best friend's wife is around 16-17 weeks pg.
Today DH and I were returning home from seeing our nephew play soccer (football in you are in the UK) and we stopped at a pedestrian crossing to let a pg woman cross. She looked to be about 7 months pg. I couldn't stop staring at her and my heart was pounding, every cell in my body began to ache.
Less than a minute later, I saw another pg woman, this one was probably very close to her due date, and she was out walking with a friend. Both women were pushing little kids in prams/strollers.
I was in tears before we got home and it was less than a two minute drive.
Why?
Sad that that isn't me too.
Even sadder that my husband doesn't even know how he feels about me any more.
Scared that even if we do work things out, he is going to re-neg on the agreement we made to have a family.
Heartbroken because my chances of children could be over.
Torn between staying and trying to work things out, or leaving and trying to start afresh back in my home country and hoping that I meet someone wonderful who wants children as much as I do.
What if my husband decides, say 6-12 months from now, that he actually doesn't want to have kids, or worse, that he doesn't want to be married to me? I think I'd want to strangle him for dicking me around and wasting my precious time. And I would hate myself for making myself vulnerable and hopeful rather than making the decision to leave him sooner.
What's the fucking point of staying? I'm seriously questioning myself about it now.
Why does it hurt so much to see or know that other people are pregnant?
I want that to be ME TOO.
I want to be excited about pregnancy.
I want to be a blossoming mama-to-be with a swelling belly and sore boobs.
I want to feel my baby kicking and rolling inside me.
I want to be cradling this new life in my womb and bonding with it.
I want to be going shopping for nursery items, car seats, prams and nappies.
I want to be seeing my baby on the ultrasound screen and find out what sex it is.
I want to take home a picture or video of the ultrasound and give a copy to my parents and tell them "meet your future grandchild".
I want to go into labour and experience the incredible event of birth.
I want my husband there supporting me and coaching me through labour, telling me how much he loves me and how well I am doing.
I want him rubbing my back, stroking my face, giving me sips of water, kissing my forehead.
I want him rubbing my back, stroking my face, giving me sips of water, kissing my forehead.
I want to hear the first piercing cries from my baby's healthy pink lungs.
I want to feel my baby's skin against mine and know what it's like to nurture it from my breast.
I want to lock eyes with my baby for the first time and see who s/he looks like most.
I want my husband to look deep into my eyes with infinite love and awe at what we created together.
I want to see my husband holding our first born while whispering Happy Birthday.
I want to see my husband holding our first born while whispering Happy Birthday.
I want him to tell me he loves me and respects me.
And it hurts like a knife in my chest because all of this seems like an impossible dream.
2011 Fertility Focus Telesummit
The biggest and most exciting online fertility event EVER is now open for registrations!!
The Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011 starts on March 21st and runs for the whole week, with presentations from top fertility experts from around the world on subjects as varied as nutrition, acupuncture, EFT and astrology. As well as authorative medical advice from international best selling fertility authors and experts Maralyn Glenville, Toni Weschler and Zita West.
You can listen in to the Fertility Focus Telesummit all week long from the comfort of your own home, via the phone or internet. And best of all... it's completely FREE of charge to listen live and for 24 hours after. PLUS you can ask these experts YOUR burning fertility questions and have them answered live on air!Last year's event was a huge success and I don't want you to miss out this year, so sign up now to secure your FREE place before the event starts on March 21st.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Another dream
I had a really amazing dream just before I woke up this morning. It was about the most angelic little girl with curly blonde hair, she was about 4 years old. As soon as I saw her across a field I suddenly knew everything about her, as if I had just watched a story on the news about her life. She had no parents and she had been very ill so was being cared for by a foster family. I didn't care how sick she might have been, I just knew that I wanted her to be my daughter.
She looked across the field and saw me and her face lit up. In front of me was a stone wall and the grass was level with the top of the wall, so when she reached me we were almost at eye level. We took each other's hands and just smiled and laughed, her face was pure joy, my heart almost bursting with the love I felt for her.
I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her in my arms forever, she was just so beautiful. She wouldn't stop smiling at me, it was as if she had known me her whole life. I was on the verge of sobbing with joy, I tried so hard to hold back the tears, knowing that I had found my daughter but unable to just take her home without doing all the adoption applications first.
When I woke from the dream I felt so happy but then I realised it wasn't real and my joy came crashing down. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the dream all day. These dreams make me wonder: is this a message from her, telling me to have faith and that she is coming for me? Just about every time I have a dream about a child that is mine it is always a girl with blonde hair. Each time I dream about her, she is a little bit older.
I wish I could know what these dreams represent, I'd like to believe that she is my future daughter but I am too scared in case it doesn't come true. These dreams are always so lovely to have but when I wake up they make me feel so sad that they aren't real.
She looked across the field and saw me and her face lit up. In front of me was a stone wall and the grass was level with the top of the wall, so when she reached me we were almost at eye level. We took each other's hands and just smiled and laughed, her face was pure joy, my heart almost bursting with the love I felt for her.
I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her in my arms forever, she was just so beautiful. She wouldn't stop smiling at me, it was as if she had known me her whole life. I was on the verge of sobbing with joy, I tried so hard to hold back the tears, knowing that I had found my daughter but unable to just take her home without doing all the adoption applications first.
When I woke from the dream I felt so happy but then I realised it wasn't real and my joy came crashing down. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the dream all day. These dreams make me wonder: is this a message from her, telling me to have faith and that she is coming for me? Just about every time I have a dream about a child that is mine it is always a girl with blonde hair. Each time I dream about her, she is a little bit older.
I wish I could know what these dreams represent, I'd like to believe that she is my future daughter but I am too scared in case it doesn't come true. These dreams are always so lovely to have but when I wake up they make me feel so sad that they aren't real.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
First period, first bra
I can't quite recall when my first period started exactly, but my earliest memory of it is at a school camp at Lake Keepit, near Tamworth, NSW.
The year was 1986, I was 11 years old and it was probably around October or November, I remember that the weather was quite hot. I'd skinned both of my knees just a week before the camp so I had horrible scabs on my kneecaps that the flies just loved, they pestered me the whole time.
During the camp I got my period. It was dark and sticky and not too heavy, but heavy enough that I should have worn a sanitary pad. I was so embarrassed and probably quite scared, so I said nothing and just changed my underwear and stuck the dirty ones into my bag to take home. It didn't even occur to me at the time to rinse them out and when I got home my mother went through my bag to collect all my dirty laundry.
Well, dirty laundry is what she found. And she was so cross with me, she gave me a lecture about how I should always wear a pad (nobody told me!!) and I should have told my teacher that I was bleeding, she would have helped me. Of course, I hated the teacher who was supervising the trip so there was no way I was going to talk to her about it. I vaguely remember Mum telling the teacher that she had found dried blood on all of my underwear when I went back to school.
Isn't it funny how we repress alot of these memories. I still feel embarrassed when I think about it. No wonder I hated talking to my mother about anything personal, especially when it came to "women's issues". I was so mortified by it all, I was even too embarrassed to go out and get my first bra so Mum took a guess and bought one for me. This was probably just a month or so after my first period and I was so upset that I had to wear a bra when all of my friends were still flat chested and didn't begin to really develop breasts for another year or so after me.
Ugh... I think I have alot of tapping to do on this to release the shame. Perhaps this is why I have had so many problems with bleeding and pain all these years and they have only been getting worse?
The year was 1986, I was 11 years old and it was probably around October or November, I remember that the weather was quite hot. I'd skinned both of my knees just a week before the camp so I had horrible scabs on my kneecaps that the flies just loved, they pestered me the whole time.
During the camp I got my period. It was dark and sticky and not too heavy, but heavy enough that I should have worn a sanitary pad. I was so embarrassed and probably quite scared, so I said nothing and just changed my underwear and stuck the dirty ones into my bag to take home. It didn't even occur to me at the time to rinse them out and when I got home my mother went through my bag to collect all my dirty laundry.
Well, dirty laundry is what she found. And she was so cross with me, she gave me a lecture about how I should always wear a pad (nobody told me!!) and I should have told my teacher that I was bleeding, she would have helped me. Of course, I hated the teacher who was supervising the trip so there was no way I was going to talk to her about it. I vaguely remember Mum telling the teacher that she had found dried blood on all of my underwear when I went back to school.
Isn't it funny how we repress alot of these memories. I still feel embarrassed when I think about it. No wonder I hated talking to my mother about anything personal, especially when it came to "women's issues". I was so mortified by it all, I was even too embarrassed to go out and get my first bra so Mum took a guess and bought one for me. This was probably just a month or so after my first period and I was so upset that I had to wear a bra when all of my friends were still flat chested and didn't begin to really develop breasts for another year or so after me.
Ugh... I think I have alot of tapping to do on this to release the shame. Perhaps this is why I have had so many problems with bleeding and pain all these years and they have only been getting worse?
Saturday, 19 February 2011
A special visitor?
Two days ago, I woke up at about 5.30am because I could hear my husband getting ready to leave for work. Both of the bedside lamps in our bedroom are touch lamps, with three levels of brightness. And my lamp was on the lowest of the three.
Sometimes I do fall asleep while reading but I usually wake up again and turn my lamp off. However....
On this particular occasion I know with absolute certainty that I turned my bedside lamp OFF before I went to sleep, because I had taken my glasses off, folded them up and put them safely aside when I couldn't read any longer. Then I definitely turned the light out!
Anyway, when I woke up at 5.30am I found the light on and thought "oh, I've left the light on" and I turned it off again.
Closed my eyes. There was still a light on in the room. I opened my eyes and looked over my right shoulder. My husband's bedside lamp was also on.
What is so strange about that, you wonder?
He had been sleeping on the sofa that night and swears to me that he DID NOT come into our room and turn either bedside light on.
The only other person who could have done that is me, and unless I was having some sorta weird dream and thought I had to turn the lights on....
Who else could have done it?
So have a guess what my IMMEDIATE thought was when I realised the other bedside lamp was on...
Kinda spooky, but kinda nice at the same time.
Could it have been a message from her?
It's not the first time I've had a visit from a spirit before, usually they come in my dreams. But if it was Gran turning the bedside lights on, I think it's her way of being playful and letting me know that she is there.
Sometimes I do fall asleep while reading but I usually wake up again and turn my lamp off. However....
On this particular occasion I know with absolute certainty that I turned my bedside lamp OFF before I went to sleep, because I had taken my glasses off, folded them up and put them safely aside when I couldn't read any longer. Then I definitely turned the light out!
Anyway, when I woke up at 5.30am I found the light on and thought "oh, I've left the light on" and I turned it off again.
Closed my eyes. There was still a light on in the room. I opened my eyes and looked over my right shoulder. My husband's bedside lamp was also on.
What is so strange about that, you wonder?
He had been sleeping on the sofa that night and swears to me that he DID NOT come into our room and turn either bedside light on.
The only other person who could have done that is me, and unless I was having some sorta weird dream and thought I had to turn the lights on....
Who else could have done it?
So have a guess what my IMMEDIATE thought was when I realised the other bedside lamp was on...
Kinda spooky, but kinda nice at the same time.
Could it have been a message from her?
It's not the first time I've had a visit from a spirit before, usually they come in my dreams. But if it was Gran turning the bedside lights on, I think it's her way of being playful and letting me know that she is there.
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
My life officially sucks
My marriage is a mess.
My former best friend who was also my bridesmaid is pregnant. She was married less than a month when she conceived. She is due in July.
My husband's best man and his wife are also expecting a baby. They have been married less than two years. She is due in August.
Today I had to say goodbye to a lovely lady who was very dear to me. In fact, she was the grandmother I never had.
I feel like such a failure.
Can it get any worse?
My former best friend who was also my bridesmaid is pregnant. She was married less than a month when she conceived. She is due in July.
My husband's best man and his wife are also expecting a baby. They have been married less than two years. She is due in August.
Today I had to say goodbye to a lovely lady who was very dear to me. In fact, she was the grandmother I never had.
I feel like such a failure.
Can it get any worse?
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
A different kind of grief
My husband's grandmother pass away this afternoon, aged 92.
I had hoped that she would live long enough to welcome another great grandchild into the world.
I had hoped that I would one day take a photo of her with our first born nestled in her arms.
Rest peacefully, Gran. I will miss you so much xoxo
I had hoped that she would live long enough to welcome another great grandchild into the world.
I had hoped that I would one day take a photo of her with our first born nestled in her arms.
Rest peacefully, Gran. I will miss you so much xoxo
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
A calm place
I have decided that this blog is my place to rant, scream, punch holes in the walls and let out all the pain. You will probably get sick of it and I don't blame you. We are all human and we can only handle other people's pain (negativity?) for so long.
So, rather than wallow in my own anger, my recent posts about EFT tapping and trying to turn my negative feelings around have inspired me to start a fresh blog where fellow infertiles can also come to for some encouragement.
I deserve to be a mother too
All welcome xo
So, rather than wallow in my own anger, my recent posts about EFT tapping and trying to turn my negative feelings around have inspired me to start a fresh blog where fellow infertiles can also come to for some encouragement.
I deserve to be a mother too
All welcome xo
Monday, 31 January 2011
Affirmations
I expect to be happy.
I expect to be cherished by my husband.
I expect to be pregnant.
I expect to be the proud bearer of a baby belly.
I expect to have that pregnancy glow.
I expect to feel my babies kicking.
I expect to be a mother.
I expect healthy, thriving babies.
I expect to experience all the beautiful things that women get to experience on their journey to parenthood.
I expect the baby shower.
I expect to go shopping for all the "big ticket" items for the nursery.
I expect being pampered and adored because I am expecting a baby.
I expect all of these things to happen for me.
Because why should they only happen for other people?
I deserve these things too, right?
I expect to be cherished by my husband.
I expect to be pregnant.
I expect to be the proud bearer of a baby belly.
I expect to have that pregnancy glow.
I expect to feel my babies kicking.
I expect to be a mother.
I expect healthy, thriving babies.
I expect to experience all the beautiful things that women get to experience on their journey to parenthood.
I expect the baby shower.
I expect to go shopping for all the "big ticket" items for the nursery.
I expect being pampered and adored because I am expecting a baby.
I expect all of these things to happen for me.
Because why should they only happen for other people?
I deserve these things too, right?
Every loving, caring woman whose greatest heart's desire is to have a child...
who would offer a child a chance at life in a safe, loving environment
and raise them to be strong, independent and kind;
deserves to be a mother.
Especially those of us who have fought for too long, had our hearts and hopes shattered over and over.
Let the universe know that you expect and deserve all the happiness and joy that other people get to have from bringing a baby into the world and watching it grow.
You deserve to be mothers too xo
Sunday, 30 January 2011
Hard time
The last couple of days have been... not great but not bad either.
I have become acutely aware today that my former friend is now about 17-18 weeks pregnant and she's probably starting to show a bit.
It's really hard knowing that she is almost 1/2 way already. Time has just flown since I found out 10 weeks ago and it hurts like hell to realise that she is able to experience things that I haven't been able to (and may never).
I'm trying to find a good place and feel some genuine kind of happiness for her. Why is it that all I can feel is this sense of smugness that she is pregnant and I'm not?
Obviously I need to tap on these feelings and try to bring my emotions up the scale so I start feeling better about myself again.
I have become acutely aware today that my former friend is now about 17-18 weeks pregnant and she's probably starting to show a bit.
It's really hard knowing that she is almost 1/2 way already. Time has just flown since I found out 10 weeks ago and it hurts like hell to realise that she is able to experience things that I haven't been able to (and may never).
I'm trying to find a good place and feel some genuine kind of happiness for her. Why is it that all I can feel is this sense of smugness that she is pregnant and I'm not?
Obviously I need to tap on these feelings and try to bring my emotions up the scale so I start feeling better about myself again.
Friday, 21 January 2011
Wise words
We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world.
~ Buddha ~
Thank you, Danimezza
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
'Begrudge not, lest ye be begrudged'
For the past few days I have been doing some EFT tapping to try to relieve the intense jealousy and resentment towards my former best friend and indeed any other woman who falls pregnant and pops out babies with ease. I found a video on Youtube (you don't have to use this one, but if you want to try it, just do a search for "jealousy EFT" or "letting go EFT" - there are dozens of good videos that you can tap along to).
So here is the script for the video I found and I tell you what, the first time I tapped along I cried and cried and cried. Sobbed. The ugly sobbing, not the beautiful Hollywood type crying with tears strategically rolling down my perfectly made-up face. It was really painful, but I need to do it so I can disrupt the negative energy and get rid of it. So I will re-visit this video, or at least the script, every day, until the feelings of jealousy and resentment have been reduced to nothing. Probably will take a while but here goes....
Assuming you know the tapping points for EFT, you can just follow the script below or if you are new to EFT you can watch the video and copy what he does:
Karate Chop point
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now, I choose to love and accept myself
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now, I choose to love and honour myself
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now... someone's got something that *I* want
And I've got this story going on in my head
About how it's not right, it's not fair
I'm wondering whether I'm worthy or not
I'm questioning whether they're worthy or not
And even though I'm so jealous right now
I choose to deeply and completely love, honour and accept myself
And anyone else out there, who's got something that I want
Because they're doing me a favour by showing me what's available
And now tap the points starting at the Eyebrow point
All this jealousy
All this jealousy
All these jealous feelings
All this envy
All this resentment
I choose to let it go
Someone's got something I want
It's bad enough that I don't have it
But instead of having that thing
I've got all this jealousy
And that just makes it worse
So I'm letting go of this jealousy
Letting it go at a cellular level
Letting it go
All the way back through my past
All the times I've been jealous in the past
All the times I thought life wasn't fair
All the times I was hurt by that
All these times that I felt bad
Because someone else had something I wanted
And I choose to let that go
'Begrudge not, lest ye be begrudged'
Because if I say they shouldn't have it
I'm basically saying I shouldn't have it either
The more I say it's ok for them to have it
The more I say its ok for me to have it too
Because we are all connected
So anyone's victory or good fortune
Is ultimately mine too
So I choose to be happy for them
I can look at all the good things people have
And get excited about that
It's like window shopping *
Look at all the great things that are available
And they're available for me too
Clearing my doubt about that
Clearing my fears about lack and limitation
It's an abundant universe
There's limitless abundance
And whatever good things that other person might have
If it's in my best interest I can have it too
And if its a one of a kind item like a person or a prize
If someone else has it and it's right for them
Then it wasn't in my highest interest
And there's something else that's more right for me
Releasing this jealousy
And being glad for the other person
I'm sharing their joy
Clearing anything that blocks that
So that all that's left is loving joy
And when i'm feeling love and joy
There's no room for jealousy
I'm feeling love and joy in body, mind and spirit
(now place your hands over your heart and take a few deep calming breaths)
The phrases that are in italics were probably the most difficult things for me to say. But I suppose, the more I practice it the easier it will become.
* I think Brad was trying to be funny.... but he's also right (I admit with a clenched jaw and a smile)
So here is the script for the video I found and I tell you what, the first time I tapped along I cried and cried and cried. Sobbed. The ugly sobbing, not the beautiful Hollywood type crying with tears strategically rolling down my perfectly made-up face. It was really painful, but I need to do it so I can disrupt the negative energy and get rid of it. So I will re-visit this video, or at least the script, every day, until the feelings of jealousy and resentment have been reduced to nothing. Probably will take a while but here goes....
Assuming you know the tapping points for EFT, you can just follow the script below or if you are new to EFT you can watch the video and copy what he does:
Karate Chop point
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now, I choose to love and accept myself
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now, I choose to love and honour myself
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now... someone's got something that *I* want
And I've got this story going on in my head
About how it's not right, it's not fair
I'm wondering whether I'm worthy or not
I'm questioning whether they're worthy or not
And even though I'm so jealous right now
I choose to deeply and completely love, honour and accept myself
And anyone else out there, who's got something that I want
Because they're doing me a favour by showing me what's available
And now tap the points starting at the Eyebrow point
All this jealousy
All this jealousy
All these jealous feelings
All this envy
All this resentment
I choose to let it go
Someone's got something I want
It's bad enough that I don't have it
But instead of having that thing
I've got all this jealousy
And that just makes it worse
So I'm letting go of this jealousy
Letting it go at a cellular level
Letting it go
All the way back through my past
All the times I've been jealous in the past
All the times I thought life wasn't fair
All the times I was hurt by that
All these times that I felt bad
Because someone else had something I wanted
And I choose to let that go
'Begrudge not, lest ye be begrudged'
Because if I say they shouldn't have it
I'm basically saying I shouldn't have it either
The more I say it's ok for them to have it
The more I say its ok for me to have it too
Because we are all connected
So anyone's victory or good fortune
Is ultimately mine too
So I choose to be happy for them
I can look at all the good things people have
And get excited about that
It's like window shopping *
Look at all the great things that are available
And they're available for me too
Clearing my doubt about that
Clearing my fears about lack and limitation
It's an abundant universe
There's limitless abundance
And whatever good things that other person might have
If it's in my best interest I can have it too
And if its a one of a kind item like a person or a prize
If someone else has it and it's right for them
Then it wasn't in my highest interest
And there's something else that's more right for me
Releasing this jealousy
And being glad for the other person
I'm sharing their joy
Clearing anything that blocks that
So that all that's left is loving joy
And when i'm feeling love and joy
There's no room for jealousy
I'm feeling love and joy in body, mind and spirit
(now place your hands over your heart and take a few deep calming breaths)
The phrases that are in italics were probably the most difficult things for me to say. But I suppose, the more I practice it the easier it will become.
* I think Brad was trying to be funny.... but he's also right (I admit with a clenched jaw and a smile)
Friday, 14 January 2011
Just for my own record
AF started today, exactly two weeks after I felt the ovulation pain and then had the surprise bleed. So that means I have had a 5w3d cycle which is pretty average for me.
I'm still feeling quite teary after yesterday's drama.
Still trying to comprehend how my husband thinks that it is his place to point out my personality faults.
He's not my fucking therapist.
I'm still feeling quite teary after yesterday's drama.
Still trying to comprehend how my husband thinks that it is his place to point out my personality faults.
He's not my fucking therapist.
Monday, 10 January 2011
Resilience
So many people have told me that I am strong, brave or resilient. Sometimes I'd believe them, other times it just felt like they were saying it to make me feel better - a platitude, I suppose.
But yesterday I came across this post by Lisa Rouff, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specialises in counselling people suffering from infertility.
I love this particular quote from her post:
It is my belief that when it comes to creating your family, resilience is even more important than physical fertility. You can treat or work around infertility --but without resilience, you often can't make anything happen. Functioning ovaries, happy sperm, and a willing uterus are all nice to have, and make the process easier. But the ability to persevere and keep trying even when the situation is difficult is the one key ingredient necessary for success.
I have never thought about myself in that way before. And since reading Lisa's post I have been standing a little taller because it gives me hope (current marriage situation aside, I haven't given up my hope of having children one day).
Thank you, Lisa
But yesterday I came across this post by Lisa Rouff, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specialises in counselling people suffering from infertility.
I love this particular quote from her post:
It is my belief that when it comes to creating your family, resilience is even more important than physical fertility. You can treat or work around infertility --but without resilience, you often can't make anything happen. Functioning ovaries, happy sperm, and a willing uterus are all nice to have, and make the process easier. But the ability to persevere and keep trying even when the situation is difficult is the one key ingredient necessary for success.
I have never thought about myself in that way before. And since reading Lisa's post I have been standing a little taller because it gives me hope (current marriage situation aside, I haven't given up my hope of having children one day).
Thank you, Lisa
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Ouch
There is no doubt in my mind that I ovulated on New Year's Eve, and since then the breast pain that I feel at the moment is making me incredibly sad. I just had a flashback to over two years ago when I was in my fourth pregnancy and feeling so scared about losing my baby boy but all the while feeling encouraged by the heavy, sore feeling of my breasts. They definitely felt bigger and were sore all over, almost like a bruising sensation.
That is how my breasts feel tonight, big and heavy and sore. But I know that my womb is empty of the life that I so desperately want to feel wriggling around inside it - there is absolutely no possibility that I am pregnant so please don't even suggest that I might be.
The other issue that is probably making the pain even more noticeable is knowing that my former best friend is now currently 14 weeks pregnant - much further than I ever got. I know that she and her husband have announced the news to everyone they know, and it hurts so badly that they are able to bond over her growing belly, he would be lovingly rubbing it, kissing it and talking to the little baby inside; and they will be discussing and planning names and making all the big purchases and preparing one of the bedrooms as a nursery.
Their marriage is strengthening by the day while my own marriage falls apart. It drives me insane, thinking how easy it has been for them - married in September, conceived in October, BFP in November, announcing it in December. Makes my chest physically ache knowing all this. Why the fuck have I been living through this infertility hell when I am younger, fitter and healthier than her? What makes her so much more special or deserving? She has done nothing to get her body ready for a baby except go off the Pill. I worked so damn hard to lose weight, I gave up alcohol (I rarely drank anyway) and took all the right supplements.
Maybe the pain is even more exaggerated by the news that a woman I have come to admire, the Crown Princess Mary of Denmark (she was born in Scotland, grew up in Australia), has given birth naturally to her twins, first a little Prince, then a little Princess. I admire her fertility and her highly privileged life and has everything she needs to make all those pregnanices and babies happen, I just wish I had that too.
That is how my breasts feel tonight, big and heavy and sore. But I know that my womb is empty of the life that I so desperately want to feel wriggling around inside it - there is absolutely no possibility that I am pregnant so please don't even suggest that I might be.
The other issue that is probably making the pain even more noticeable is knowing that my former best friend is now currently 14 weeks pregnant - much further than I ever got. I know that she and her husband have announced the news to everyone they know, and it hurts so badly that they are able to bond over her growing belly, he would be lovingly rubbing it, kissing it and talking to the little baby inside; and they will be discussing and planning names and making all the big purchases and preparing one of the bedrooms as a nursery.
Their marriage is strengthening by the day while my own marriage falls apart. It drives me insane, thinking how easy it has been for them - married in September, conceived in October, BFP in November, announcing it in December. Makes my chest physically ache knowing all this. Why the fuck have I been living through this infertility hell when I am younger, fitter and healthier than her? What makes her so much more special or deserving? She has done nothing to get her body ready for a baby except go off the Pill. I worked so damn hard to lose weight, I gave up alcohol (I rarely drank anyway) and took all the right supplements.
Maybe the pain is even more exaggerated by the news that a woman I have come to admire, the Crown Princess Mary of Denmark (she was born in Scotland, grew up in Australia), has given birth naturally to her twins, first a little Prince, then a little Princess. I admire her fertility and her highly privileged life and has everything she needs to make all those pregnanices and babies happen, I just wish I had that too.
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Slipping through my fingers like sand
How much more am I meant to take?
I think I've had my fair share of pain and grief over the last 5 years.
Am I attracting into my life all of this stuff I don't want?
It kills me a little more inside, knowing that my former best friend is now in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy and announced it to all her Facebook friends on Christmas Day. They are positively gushing over her. She has gone further in her first pregnancy than I ever did in any of mine.
What did I do that was so wrong, that she is doing right?
Why does she deserve to have a baby more than I do?
How did I become so bitter and angry? I never used to be like this, I had such an optimistic outlook on life and was excited about the future. Now, I can barely focus on anything. Everything seems to be falling apart.
My hopes and dreams of being a mother and being able to provide a safe and loving home for my children are vanishing.
HOW CAN I TURN THIS AROUND AND MAKE IT THE LIFE I TRULY WANT?
I think I've had my fair share of pain and grief over the last 5 years.
Am I attracting into my life all of this stuff I don't want?
It kills me a little more inside, knowing that my former best friend is now in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy and announced it to all her Facebook friends on Christmas Day. They are positively gushing over her. She has gone further in her first pregnancy than I ever did in any of mine.
What did I do that was so wrong, that she is doing right?
Why does she deserve to have a baby more than I do?
How did I become so bitter and angry? I never used to be like this, I had such an optimistic outlook on life and was excited about the future. Now, I can barely focus on anything. Everything seems to be falling apart.
My hopes and dreams of being a mother and being able to provide a safe and loving home for my children are vanishing.
HOW CAN I TURN THIS AROUND AND MAKE IT THE LIFE I TRULY WANT?
Monday, 3 January 2011
Ovulation bleed
Pretty sure that is what has happened:
Is it normal to bleed during ovulation?
My nipples have been getting progressively tender to the touch, and prior to the pain and bleeding I was experiencing quite heavy cervical mucus.
The bleeding has tapered off to just dark brown spotting now, so as long as it continues to taper off to nothing I think it's not worth worrying about.
I am expecting AF to arrive around the 13th or 14th of January, this should be solid confirmation that I ovulated when I believe I did.
Is it normal to bleed during ovulation?
My nipples have been getting progressively tender to the touch, and prior to the pain and bleeding I was experiencing quite heavy cervical mucus.
The bleeding has tapered off to just dark brown spotting now, so as long as it continues to taper off to nothing I think it's not worth worrying about.
I am expecting AF to arrive around the 13th or 14th of January, this should be solid confirmation that I ovulated when I believe I did.
Saturday, 1 January 2011
For the record
Because I found out recently about my husband cheating on me (yes, Darren, if you are also stalking my blog, he has been CHEATING on me) I'm not even considering the idea of TTC right now and won't be for a while. But I do need to record this somewhere so that I can refer back to it if needed.
Someone has suggested that it could just be due to the stress I am under at the moment which is a possibility. My initial thought was a burst ovarian cyst but I have done some research and have concluded that it would probably have been extremely painful, I wouldn't say that the pain I had was extreme.
My other thought is that it could be a haematoma in the wall of my uterus. I had one of these when I was last pregnant, it was actually behind the placenta and was responsible for my baby's death. I don't know if these haematomas can appear at any time or only during pregnancy, so I can only speculate. The pain in my side doesn't fit in with that theory though.
If the bleeding tapers off and then I get a full bleed around 10-12 January then I will probably just put this to the back of my mind, but if/when I see a Gyn I will make sure to inform him/her just in case it warrants investigating.
- 8th December (my birthday), after a long-ish cycle of 6-7 weeks, AF arrived
- 23rd-28th December I notice lots and lots of CM, which I assume means I am close to ovulating
- 28th or 29th December, as I am getting undressed I accidently brush against a breast. I notice that the nipple feels tender, always a sign that I have ovulated. I estimate that AF is due around the 10th-12th of January
- 31st December, I feel an acute pain in my side, almost bad enough that I want to sit or lay down
- 1-2 hours later I discover blood in my underwear
- 1st of January, still bleeding but it is very light in volume and colour
Someone has suggested that it could just be due to the stress I am under at the moment which is a possibility. My initial thought was a burst ovarian cyst but I have done some research and have concluded that it would probably have been extremely painful, I wouldn't say that the pain I had was extreme.
My other thought is that it could be a haematoma in the wall of my uterus. I had one of these when I was last pregnant, it was actually behind the placenta and was responsible for my baby's death. I don't know if these haematomas can appear at any time or only during pregnancy, so I can only speculate. The pain in my side doesn't fit in with that theory though.
If the bleeding tapers off and then I get a full bleed around 10-12 January then I will probably just put this to the back of my mind, but if/when I see a Gyn I will make sure to inform him/her just in case it warrants investigating.
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