He left me a letter two weeks ago, telling me that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counselling with me, he just wants me to move out and go back to my home country. I refuse to leave, I don't believe that it's over between us.
Some days he laughs and smiles and jokes with me and I see the "old" DH again. There are moments when he speaks to me with an affection and tenderness in his voice and a twinkle in his eyes that he probably doesn't realise. Moments of levity that bring me joy but bring so much pain at the same time.
How can it be all over between us if we can still share moments like that?
So much shit has happened, he is making me the scapegoat for all of his problems. It probably causes him pain to see me every day and be reminded of all we have endured and lost. And by refusing to go to counselling together, he is avoiding taking responsibility for his behaviour.
If we don't have counselling then these issues remain unresolved and the universe will keep sending us the same lessons until we learn from them.
As soon as my pay comes through I'll be attending counselling on my own.
I's so sorry you are struggling with your marriage, on top of the fertility crap. I think that working on your own stuff is the best thing you can do, while you wait to see if he will come around to the idea of making a go of things. I'm sure it doesn't help being so far away from your support network either. I hope that you can work it out. xx
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