My sweet friend Bec posted on her blog about having a plan of action for 2011. Finances, travel, babies, health etc. I envy her for having a plan(please don't take that the wrong way Bec).
I can't plan for the future. Things are so messed up right now that my husband doesn't even want to think about "when" is the right time to start TTC again. We're at such a stalemate with the whole thing, we're still at the "if" stage. It makes my heart ache.
What if it's never the right time for him?
What if he was to have an accident and we never got the opportunity to try again?
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Dreading the 24th
Christmas Eve.
My 3rd pregnancy was due on Christmas Eve in 2007.
No wonder I hate this time of year.
It's hard enough seeing all the cutesy TV ads with babies and children.
The unseasonal snow in the UK, right at the start of the school holidays, means all the little kids are out sledding and frolicking in the snow. And everywhere, I see little ones who are about the same age as our little Christmas babe would have been by now. Today there was a toddler standing there out in the snow squealing in excitement, he thought snow was just the best. I couldn't help but smile and wave at him and share the moment but fuck it hurt to realise that I am missing out on sharing this magic winter with a child of my own.
What makes it worse is knowing my former best friend is just entering her 2nd trimester with her first pregnancy, she had her ultrasound yesterday and now she and her husband (of less than three months) are about to spread their happy news to everyone they know. How perfect and smug they must be feeling right now, to conceive the honeymoon baby and to be able to announce the pregnancy at Christmas. Makes me want to vomit.
I had an argument with some silly cow on a pregnancy forum today, she doesn't understand why people should have to curb their enthusiasm when announcing to an infertile that they are pregnant. I made a comment about how when giving someone news that you know is going to hurt or be tough to take, the least you could do is just tell them calmly. As an analogy, but not to make a direct comparison, I likened it to telling someone that one of their family members had just died.
I know you can't compare a pregnancy announcement to announcing that someone has died, but I thought it was rather self explanatory - you do it with TACT. Not everyone is going to be excited and happy for you.
But the stupid, thick-headed bitch just didn't get the point I was trying to make. I think she was just trying to embarrass me on the forums, but it backfired big time.
Every miscarriage I have suffered has been the death of a dream, so yes, learning that my "best" friend is pregnant was very much like being told that someone had just died, it tore my heart just that little bit more.
My 3rd pregnancy was due on Christmas Eve in 2007.
No wonder I hate this time of year.
It's hard enough seeing all the cutesy TV ads with babies and children.
The unseasonal snow in the UK, right at the start of the school holidays, means all the little kids are out sledding and frolicking in the snow. And everywhere, I see little ones who are about the same age as our little Christmas babe would have been by now. Today there was a toddler standing there out in the snow squealing in excitement, he thought snow was just the best. I couldn't help but smile and wave at him and share the moment but fuck it hurt to realise that I am missing out on sharing this magic winter with a child of my own.
What makes it worse is knowing my former best friend is just entering her 2nd trimester with her first pregnancy, she had her ultrasound yesterday and now she and her husband (of less than three months) are about to spread their happy news to everyone they know. How perfect and smug they must be feeling right now, to conceive the honeymoon baby and to be able to announce the pregnancy at Christmas. Makes me want to vomit.
I had an argument with some silly cow on a pregnancy forum today, she doesn't understand why people should have to curb their enthusiasm when announcing to an infertile that they are pregnant. I made a comment about how when giving someone news that you know is going to hurt or be tough to take, the least you could do is just tell them calmly. As an analogy, but not to make a direct comparison, I likened it to telling someone that one of their family members had just died.
I know you can't compare a pregnancy announcement to announcing that someone has died, but I thought it was rather self explanatory - you do it with TACT. Not everyone is going to be excited and happy for you.
But the stupid, thick-headed bitch just didn't get the point I was trying to make. I think she was just trying to embarrass me on the forums, but it backfired big time.
Every miscarriage I have suffered has been the death of a dream, so yes, learning that my "best" friend is pregnant was very much like being told that someone had just died, it tore my heart just that little bit more.
Sunday, 12 December 2010
Time to see the Dr
What I assumed would be AF isn't quite AF. I think I had an anovulatory cycle and now my uterus can't hold on anymore so it's just shedding the lining. Exactly the same happened earlier this year and I had to see the Dr for some Norethisterone (progesterone) to mature the lining and help it to shed. I used it for two cycles and then things seemed okay for two cycles, they were long-ish but okay and I know I ovulated both times (the sore nipples and the CM leading up to O are always dead giveaways).
It kind of scares me when my ovaries aren't functioning and giving me regular cycles, my head starts to fill with all kinds of panicky, think-the-worst thoughts. Big scary words like cancer or early menopause.
All being well, I hope to have good news by mid-week of a successful job interview so by the end of January I should be able to start TCM/acupuncture again.
EDITED 15/12/10: Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. It turned out to be a "normal" bleed. Light, painless, virtually clot free which is very unusual for me. Time will tell.
It kind of scares me when my ovaries aren't functioning and giving me regular cycles, my head starts to fill with all kinds of panicky, think-the-worst thoughts. Big scary words like cancer or early menopause.
All being well, I hope to have good news by mid-week of a successful job interview so by the end of January I should be able to start TCM/acupuncture again.
EDITED 15/12/10: Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. It turned out to be a "normal" bleed. Light, painless, virtually clot free which is very unusual for me. Time will tell.
Thursday, 9 December 2010
Oh, the irony
Not only did I get AF on my birthday yesterday, I also had a vivid dream last night that I was six months pregnant.
I was going for an ultrasound at a very posh clinic and instead of heaving myself up onto a cold examination table, I got to lay down on a plush comfortable couch that was wave-shaped. The technician did a scan and said everything was fine, but I didn't get to see my baby on the monitor. So I wanted another scan and the tech guy said he'd do it another time as he had to go out.
So now I'm obsessing about the dream.
Is it a sign? Or just another dream?
Is the universe telling me to hold on and not give up all hope?
I was going for an ultrasound at a very posh clinic and instead of heaving myself up onto a cold examination table, I got to lay down on a plush comfortable couch that was wave-shaped. The technician did a scan and said everything was fine, but I didn't get to see my baby on the monitor. So I wanted another scan and the tech guy said he'd do it another time as he had to go out.
So now I'm obsessing about the dream.
Is it a sign? Or just another dream?
Is the universe telling me to hold on and not give up all hope?
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Bah humbug
It's my 36th birthday tomorrow and I should be a mother by now. This is why I hate having a birthday, it is a reminder of my failure to bear children and it makes the clock tick louder. I'm not even going to dare say to myself "I'll be pregnant and have had a baby before I turn 37!!" because I've been saying that to myself every year since I turned 31.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Coming to terms with happy news
Hearing about someone else's happy news is tough, and unfortunately it always will be until the day I can hold a baby of my own.
If you have read my history of TTC and recurrent miscarriages (in a nutshell, 5 years, 4 miscarriages) you may be able to grasp just how painful this whole journey has been.
Recently I discovered that my supposed "best" friend is pregnant (ttc'ing for less than a year).
She can't understand why I cannot bring myself to congratulate her.
I found out that she is pregnant because she had left a couple of clues on her Facebook wall. I did a google search and found that she had been posting on two pregnancy forums, she had already known for two weeks that she is pg and she had already told a few people.
She knew that telling me she is pg would be difficult.
The way I found out is awful, I am so hurt, and even more hurt that it has happened so quickly for her after getting married, she conceived within one month of the wedding. I knew it was going to be tough if/when it happened but I expected that she would have the integrity to tell me first so I had enough time to digest the news and go through my own grieving process.
Instead, I was angry, and she can't understand why I haven't been able to say "congratulations".
Why is it so hard for people to "get it" that I am hurting too much ? Why does society expect people to always behave a certain way and when we don't we are horrible ogres because we don't put other people's feelings before our own?
If you have read my history of TTC and recurrent miscarriages (in a nutshell, 5 years, 4 miscarriages) you may be able to grasp just how painful this whole journey has been.
Recently I discovered that my supposed "best" friend is pregnant (ttc'ing for less than a year).
She can't understand why I cannot bring myself to congratulate her.
I found out that she is pregnant because she had left a couple of clues on her Facebook wall. I did a google search and found that she had been posting on two pregnancy forums, she had already known for two weeks that she is pg and she had already told a few people.
She knew that telling me she is pg would be difficult.
The way I found out is awful, I am so hurt, and even more hurt that it has happened so quickly for her after getting married, she conceived within one month of the wedding. I knew it was going to be tough if/when it happened but I expected that she would have the integrity to tell me first so I had enough time to digest the news and go through my own grieving process.
Instead, I was angry, and she can't understand why I haven't been able to say "congratulations".
Why is it so hard for people to "get it" that I am hurting too much ? Why does society expect people to always behave a certain way and when we don't we are horrible ogres because we don't put other people's feelings before our own?
Monday, 29 November 2010
Christmas
If you're like me, you have learned to hate Christmas. And birthdays. And Easter, come to think of it.
I hate them all because they are reminders of losing pregnancies, having no children, and getting older.
I sympathise with every woman and man out there whose arms are aching to be holding their much wanted child every Christmas. No doubt while looking on in pain and angst at other family members and friends as they celebrate with their little ones.
This is going to be our fifth Christmas without a baby or a pregnancy to make it special. Instead, we will be bombarded with commercial advertising that shows us happy families, children bonding with their parents.
Why do they never show the childless couple who, broken from fertility treatment or having just lost their unborn child, console each other and say "maybe this time next year...."
I hate them all because they are reminders of losing pregnancies, having no children, and getting older.
I sympathise with every woman and man out there whose arms are aching to be holding their much wanted child every Christmas. No doubt while looking on in pain and angst at other family members and friends as they celebrate with their little ones.
This is going to be our fifth Christmas without a baby or a pregnancy to make it special. Instead, we will be bombarded with commercial advertising that shows us happy families, children bonding with their parents.
Why do they never show the childless couple who, broken from fertility treatment or having just lost their unborn child, console each other and say "maybe this time next year...."
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