Affirmations

I expect to be happy.
I expect to be cherished by my husband.
I expect to be pregnant.
I expect to be the proud bearer of a baby belly.
I expect to have that pregnancy glow.
I expect to feel my babies kicking.
I expect to be a mother.
I expect healthy, thriving babies.
I expect to experience all the beautiful things that women get to experience on their journey to parenthood.
I expect the baby shower.
I expect to go shopping for all the "big ticket" items for the nursery.
I expect being pampered and adored because I am expecting a baby.
I expect all of these things to happen for me.
Because why should they only happen for other people?
I deserve these things too, right?

Every loving, caring woman whose greatest heart's desire is to have a child...

who would offer a child a chance at life in a safe, loving environment

 and raise them to be strong, independent and kind;

deserves to be a mother.

Especially those of us who have fought for too long, had our hearts and hopes shattered over and over.

Let the universe know that you expect and deserve all the happiness and joy that other people get to have from bringing a baby into the world and watching it grow.  

You deserve to be mothers too xo

Hard time

The last couple of days have been...  not great but not bad either.

I have become acutely aware today that my former friend is now about 17-18 weeks pregnant and she's probably starting to show a bit.

It's really hard knowing that she is almost 1/2 way already.  Time has just flown since I found out 10 weeks ago and it hurts like hell to realise that she is able to experience things that I haven't been able to (and may never).

I'm trying to find a good place and feel some genuine kind of happiness for her.  Why is it that all I can feel is this sense of smugness that she is pregnant and I'm not?

Obviously I need to tap on these feelings and try to bring my emotions up the scale so I start feeling better about myself again.

Wise words

We are what we think. 

All that we are arises with our thoughts. 

With our thoughts, we make the world.

~ Buddha ~

Thank you, Danimezza

'Begrudge not, lest ye be begrudged'

For the past few days I have been doing some EFT tapping to try to relieve the intense jealousy and resentment towards my former best friend and indeed any other woman who falls pregnant and pops out babies with ease.  I found a video on Youtube (you don't have to use this one, but if you want to try it, just do a search for "jealousy EFT" or "letting go EFT"  - there are dozens of good videos that you can tap along to).

So here is the script for the video I found and I tell you what, the first time I tapped along I cried and cried and cried.  Sobbed.  The ugly sobbing, not the beautiful Hollywood type crying with tears strategically rolling down my perfectly made-up face.  It was really painful, but I need to do it so I can disrupt the negative energy and get rid of it.  So I will re-visit this video, or at least the script, every day, until the feelings of jealousy and resentment have been reduced to nothing.  Probably will take a while but here goes....

Assuming you know the tapping points for EFT, you can just follow the script below or if you are new to EFT you can watch the video and copy what he does:

Karate Chop point
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now, I choose to love and accept myself
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now, I choose to love and honour myself
Even though I'm feeling jealous right now...  someone's got something that *I* want
And I've got this story going on in my head
About how it's not right, it's not fair
I'm wondering whether I'm worthy or not
I'm questioning whether they're worthy or not
And even though I'm so jealous right now
I choose to deeply and completely love, honour and accept myself
And anyone else out there, who's got something that I want
Because they're doing me a favour by showing me what's available

And now tap the points starting at the Eyebrow point

All this jealousy
All this jealousy
All these jealous feelings
All this envy
All this resentment
I choose to let it go
Someone's got something I want
It's bad enough that I don't have it
But instead of having that thing
I've got all this jealousy
And that just makes it worse
So I'm letting go of this jealousy
Letting it go at a cellular level
Letting it go
All the way back through my past
All the times I've been jealous in the past
All the times I thought life wasn't fair
All the times I was hurt by that
All these times that I felt bad
Because someone else had something I wanted
And I choose to let that go
'Begrudge not, lest ye be begrudged'
Because if I say they shouldn't have it
I'm basically saying I shouldn't have it either
The more I say it's ok for them to have it
The more I say its ok for me to have it too
Because we are all connected
So anyone's victory or good fortune
Is ultimately mine too
So I choose to be happy for them
I can look at all the good things people have
And get excited about that
It's like window shopping *
Look at all the great things that are available
And they're available for me too
Clearing my doubt about that
Clearing my fears about lack and limitation
It's an abundant universe
There's limitless abundance
And whatever good things that other person might have
If it's in my best interest I can have it too
And if its a one of a kind item like a person or a prize
If someone else has it and it's right for them
Then it wasn't in my highest interest
And there's something else that's more right for me
Releasing this jealousy
And being glad for the other person
I'm sharing their joy
Clearing anything that blocks that
So that all that's left is loving joy
And when i'm feeling love and joy
There's no room for jealousy
I'm feeling love and joy in body, mind and spirit

(now place your hands over your heart and take a few deep calming breaths)

The phrases that are in italics were probably the most difficult things for me to say.  But I suppose, the more I practice it the easier it will become.

* I think Brad was trying to be funny.... but he's also right (I admit with a clenched jaw and a smile)

Just for my own record

AF started today, exactly two weeks after I felt the ovulation pain and then had the surprise bleed.  So that means I have had a 5w3d cycle which is pretty average for me.

I'm still feeling quite teary after yesterday's drama.

Still trying to comprehend how my husband thinks that it is his place to point out my personality faults.

He's not my fucking therapist.

Resilience

So many people have told me that I am strong, brave or resilient.  Sometimes I'd believe them, other times it just felt like they were saying it to make me feel better - a platitude, I suppose.

But yesterday I came across this post by Lisa Rouff, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specialises in counselling people suffering from infertility.

I love this particular quote from her post:

It is my belief that when it comes to creating your family, resilience is even more important than physical fertility. You can treat or work around infertility --but without resilience, you often can't make anything happen. Functioning ovaries, happy sperm, and a willing uterus are all nice to have, and make the process easier. But the ability to persevere and keep trying even when the situation is difficult is the one key ingredient necessary for success.

I have never thought about myself in that way before.  And since reading Lisa's post I have been standing a little taller because it gives me hope (current marriage situation aside, I haven't given up my hope of having children one day).

Thank you, Lisa

Ouch

There is no doubt in my mind that I ovulated on New Year's Eve, and since then the breast pain that I feel at the moment is making me incredibly sad.  I just had a flashback to over two years ago when I was in my fourth pregnancy and feeling so scared about losing my baby boy but all the while feeling encouraged by the heavy, sore feeling of my breasts.  They definitely felt bigger and were sore all over, almost like a bruising sensation.

That is how my breasts feel tonight, big and heavy and sore.  But I know that my womb is empty of the life that I so desperately want to feel wriggling around inside it - there is absolutely no possibility that I am pregnant so please don't even suggest that I might be.

The other issue that is probably making the pain even more noticeable is knowing that my former best friend is now currently 14 weeks pregnant - much further than I ever got.  I know that she and her husband have announced the news to everyone they know, and it hurts so badly that they are able to bond over her growing belly, he would be lovingly rubbing it, kissing it and talking to the little baby inside; and they will be discussing and planning names and making all the big purchases and preparing one of the bedrooms as a nursery. 

Their marriage is strengthening by the day while my own marriage falls apart.  It drives me insane, thinking how easy it has been for them - married in September, conceived in October, BFP in November, announcing it in December.  Makes my chest physically ache knowing all this.  Why the fuck have I been living through this infertility hell when I am younger, fitter and healthier than her?  What makes her so much more special or deserving?  She has done nothing to get her body ready for a baby except go off the Pill.  I worked so damn hard to lose weight, I gave up alcohol (I rarely drank anyway) and took all the right supplements.

Maybe the pain is even more exaggerated by the news that a woman I have come to admire, the Crown Princess Mary of Denmark (she was born in Scotland, grew up in Australia), has given birth naturally to her twins, first a little Prince, then a little Princess.  I admire her fertility and her highly privileged life and has everything she needs to make all those pregnanices and babies happen, I just wish I had that too.

Slipping through my fingers like sand

How much more am I meant to take?

I think I've had my fair share of pain and grief over the last 5 years.

Am I attracting into my life all of this stuff I don't want?

It kills me a little more inside, knowing that my former best friend is now in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy and announced it to all her Facebook friends on Christmas Day.  They are positively gushing over her.  She has gone further in her first pregnancy than I ever did in any of mine. 

What did I do that was so wrong, that she is doing right? 

Why does she deserve to have a baby more than I do?

How did I become so bitter and angry?  I never used to be like this, I had such an optimistic outlook on life and was excited about the future.  Now, I can barely focus on anything.  Everything seems to be falling apart.

My hopes and dreams of being a mother and being able to provide a safe and loving home for my children are vanishing. 

HOW CAN I TURN THIS AROUND AND MAKE IT THE LIFE I TRULY WANT?

Ovulation bleed

Pretty sure that is what has happened:

Is it normal to bleed during ovulation?

My nipples have been getting progressively tender to the touch, and prior to the pain and bleeding I was experiencing quite heavy cervical mucus. 

The bleeding has tapered off to just dark brown spotting now, so as long as it continues to taper off to nothing I think it's not worth worrying about.

I am expecting AF to arrive around the 13th or 14th of January, this should be solid confirmation that I ovulated when I believe I did.

For the record

Because I found out recently about my husband cheating on me (yes, Darren, if you are also stalking my blog, he has been CHEATING on me) I'm not even considering the idea of TTC right now and won't be for a while.  But I do need to record this somewhere so that I can refer back to it if needed.

• 8th December (my birthday), after a long-ish cycle of 6-7 weeks, AF arrived
• 23rd-28th December I notice lots and lots of CM, which I assume means I am close to ovulating
• 28th or 29th December, as I am getting undressed I accidently brush against a breast.  I notice that the nipple feels tender, always a sign that I have ovulated.  I estimate that AF is due around the 10th-12th of January
• 31st December, I feel an acute pain in my side, almost bad enough that I want to sit or lay down
• 1-2 hours later I discover blood in my underwear
• 1st of January, still bleeding but it is very light in volume and colour

Nothing like this has ever happened before, I certainly wasn't expecting AF to start again just 23 days after the last cycle began.  I'll keep monitoring the bleeding, if it goes away quickly then I will just disregard it.  But if the bleeding continues I'll have to see a Dr and get a referral for a scan.  It might be nothing or it might be a sign of something more serious.

Someone has suggested that it could just be due to the stress I am under at the moment which is a possibility.  My initial thought was a burst ovarian cyst but I have done some research and have concluded that it would probably have been extremely painful, I wouldn't say that the pain I had was extreme.

My other thought is that it could be a haematoma in the wall of my uterus.  I had one of these when I was last pregnant, it was actually behind the placenta and was responsible for my baby's death.  I don't know if these haematomas can appear at any time or only during pregnancy, so I can only speculate.  The pain in my side doesn't fit in with that theory though.

If the bleeding tapers off and then I get a full bleed around 10-12 January then I will probably just put this to the back of my mind, but if/when I see a Gyn I will make sure to inform him/her just in case it warrants investigating.