There is no doubt in my mind that I ovulated on New Year's Eve, and since then the breast pain that I feel at the moment is making me incredibly sad. I just had a flashback to over two years ago when I was in my fourth pregnancy and feeling so scared about losing my baby boy but all the while feeling encouraged by the heavy, sore feeling of my breasts. They definitely felt bigger and were sore all over, almost like a bruising sensation.
That is how my breasts feel tonight, big and heavy and sore. But I know that my womb is empty of the life that I so desperately want to feel wriggling around inside it - there is absolutely no possibility that I am pregnant so please don't even suggest that I might be.
The other issue that is probably making the pain even more noticeable is knowing that my former best friend is now currently 14 weeks pregnant - much further than I ever got. I know that she and her husband have announced the news to everyone they know, and it hurts so badly that they are able to bond over her growing belly, he would be lovingly rubbing it, kissing it and talking to the little baby inside; and they will be discussing and planning names and making all the big purchases and preparing one of the bedrooms as a nursery.
Their marriage is strengthening by the day while my own marriage falls apart. It drives me insane, thinking how easy it has been for them - married in September, conceived in October, BFP in November, announcing it in December. Makes my chest physically ache knowing all this. Why the fuck have I been living through this infertility hell when I am younger, fitter and healthier than her? What makes her so much more special or deserving? She has done nothing to get her body ready for a baby except go off the Pill. I worked so damn hard to lose weight, I gave up alcohol (I rarely drank anyway) and took all the right supplements.
Maybe the pain is even more exaggerated by the news that a woman I have come to admire, the Crown Princess Mary of Denmark (she was born in Scotland, grew up in Australia), has given birth naturally to her twins, first a little Prince, then a little Princess. I admire her fertility and her highly privileged life and has everything she needs to make all those pregnanices and babies happen, I just wish I had that too.
I am really sorry about your FBFF. A very close friend of mine recently told me she was 5 months pregnant. We live on opposite sides of the state but talk regularly and email all the time. The only reason she has told me is because I am seeing her Sunday and she can't hide it. Sure she didn't want to hurt me but her silence has betrayed me and made me feel even more shit than my IF does.
ReplyDeleteAs an Australian I am thrilled for Mary but when they came out as a pidgeon pair I immediately said to my husband. She had help. Which is cool but l would love that no strings attached help too.
Keep your chin up. I can tell you are a strong person and you are going to beat all of this shit that has been thrown at you too.
It really sucks doesn't it. Why can't they just be honest? The longer they wait, the worse it is IMO.
ReplyDeleteMy FBFF even made up a story that when she tried emailing me it kept bouncing back. I've had the same email address for years, and now she suddenly gets it wrong? I don't buy it for a moment.
Thank you for the comment about sensing I am a strong person, so many people have told me that but I guess I don't see myself that way, even after everything I've been through. Perhaps, even because of it all. I feel broken and defeated. But I will try to look at myself differently from now on :-)
xo