Even though I was looking forward to participating in the Fertility Focus Telesummit, I have to admit that I missed the whole event. There has been too much going on in my personal life and it seems quite pointless to be worrying about fertility or babies at the moment. My marriage has taken a serious tumble and I am trying my best to keep it from falling apart completely.
So until I know that things are improving, I will not be posting on this blog. Thank you for following, I hope to catch you again sometime down the track with happier news.
xo Baby Hopes
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Just a few days left to register!
There are only a few days left until the Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011 starts on Monday!
If you’re trying for a baby and it’s tak ing longer than you hoped, you will want to attend this free event. Never before have so many fertility experts from around the world come together to share so much vital information within an online event.
If you haven’t already registered, here’s the link to do so: Fertility Focus Telesummit.
Remember there’ll be daily presentations covering a wide range of fertility issues and I’m sure that
during the week you will learn new information, techniques and ideas that will move you further on in your own fertility journey.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Tormented
This is how much my situation hurts right now.
My former BFF is about 22 weeks pg (she is due early July but I can't be bothered trying to figure out exactly how far she is)
My husband's best friend's wife is around 16-17 weeks pg.
Today DH and I were returning home from seeing our nephew play soccer (football in you are in the UK) and we stopped at a pedestrian crossing to let a pg woman cross. She looked to be about 7 months pg. I couldn't stop staring at her and my heart was pounding, every cell in my body began to ache.
Less than a minute later, I saw another pg woman, this one was probably very close to her due date, and she was out walking with a friend. Both women were pushing little kids in prams/strollers.
I was in tears before we got home and it was less than a two minute drive.
Why?
Sad that that isn't me too.
Even sadder that my husband doesn't even know how he feels about me any more.
Scared that even if we do work things out, he is going to re-neg on the agreement we made to have a family.
Heartbroken because my chances of children could be over.
Torn between staying and trying to work things out, or leaving and trying to start afresh back in my home country and hoping that I meet someone wonderful who wants children as much as I do.
What if my husband decides, say 6-12 months from now, that he actually doesn't want to have kids, or worse, that he doesn't want to be married to me? I think I'd want to strangle him for dicking me around and wasting my precious time. And I would hate myself for making myself vulnerable and hopeful rather than making the decision to leave him sooner.
What's the fucking point of staying? I'm seriously questioning myself about it now.
My former BFF is about 22 weeks pg (she is due early July but I can't be bothered trying to figure out exactly how far she is)
My husband's best friend's wife is around 16-17 weeks pg.
Today DH and I were returning home from seeing our nephew play soccer (football in you are in the UK) and we stopped at a pedestrian crossing to let a pg woman cross. She looked to be about 7 months pg. I couldn't stop staring at her and my heart was pounding, every cell in my body began to ache.
Less than a minute later, I saw another pg woman, this one was probably very close to her due date, and she was out walking with a friend. Both women were pushing little kids in prams/strollers.
I was in tears before we got home and it was less than a two minute drive.
Why?
Sad that that isn't me too.
Even sadder that my husband doesn't even know how he feels about me any more.
Scared that even if we do work things out, he is going to re-neg on the agreement we made to have a family.
Heartbroken because my chances of children could be over.
Torn between staying and trying to work things out, or leaving and trying to start afresh back in my home country and hoping that I meet someone wonderful who wants children as much as I do.
What if my husband decides, say 6-12 months from now, that he actually doesn't want to have kids, or worse, that he doesn't want to be married to me? I think I'd want to strangle him for dicking me around and wasting my precious time. And I would hate myself for making myself vulnerable and hopeful rather than making the decision to leave him sooner.
What's the fucking point of staying? I'm seriously questioning myself about it now.
Why does it hurt so much to see or know that other people are pregnant?
I want that to be ME TOO.
I want to be excited about pregnancy.
I want to be a blossoming mama-to-be with a swelling belly and sore boobs.
I want to feel my baby kicking and rolling inside me.
I want to be cradling this new life in my womb and bonding with it.
I want to be going shopping for nursery items, car seats, prams and nappies.
I want to be seeing my baby on the ultrasound screen and find out what sex it is.
I want to take home a picture or video of the ultrasound and give a copy to my parents and tell them "meet your future grandchild".
I want to go into labour and experience the incredible event of birth.
I want my husband there supporting me and coaching me through labour, telling me how much he loves me and how well I am doing.
I want him rubbing my back, stroking my face, giving me sips of water, kissing my forehead.
I want him rubbing my back, stroking my face, giving me sips of water, kissing my forehead.
I want to hear the first piercing cries from my baby's healthy pink lungs.
I want to feel my baby's skin against mine and know what it's like to nurture it from my breast.
I want to lock eyes with my baby for the first time and see who s/he looks like most.
I want my husband to look deep into my eyes with infinite love and awe at what we created together.
I want to see my husband holding our first born while whispering Happy Birthday.
I want to see my husband holding our first born while whispering Happy Birthday.
I want him to tell me he loves me and respects me.
And it hurts like a knife in my chest because all of this seems like an impossible dream.
2011 Fertility Focus Telesummit
The biggest and most exciting online fertility event EVER is now open for registrations!!
The Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011 starts on March 21st and runs for the whole week, with presentations from top fertility experts from around the world on subjects as varied as nutrition, acupuncture, EFT and astrology. As well as authorative medical advice from international best selling fertility authors and experts Maralyn Glenville, Toni Weschler and Zita West.
You can listen in to the Fertility Focus Telesummit all week long from the comfort of your own home, via the phone or internet. And best of all... it's completely FREE of charge to listen live and for 24 hours after. PLUS you can ask these experts YOUR burning fertility questions and have them answered live on air!Last year's event was a huge success and I don't want you to miss out this year, so sign up now to secure your FREE place before the event starts on March 21st.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Another dream
I had a really amazing dream just before I woke up this morning. It was about the most angelic little girl with curly blonde hair, she was about 4 years old. As soon as I saw her across a field I suddenly knew everything about her, as if I had just watched a story on the news about her life. She had no parents and she had been very ill so was being cared for by a foster family. I didn't care how sick she might have been, I just knew that I wanted her to be my daughter.
She looked across the field and saw me and her face lit up. In front of me was a stone wall and the grass was level with the top of the wall, so when she reached me we were almost at eye level. We took each other's hands and just smiled and laughed, her face was pure joy, my heart almost bursting with the love I felt for her.
I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her in my arms forever, she was just so beautiful. She wouldn't stop smiling at me, it was as if she had known me her whole life. I was on the verge of sobbing with joy, I tried so hard to hold back the tears, knowing that I had found my daughter but unable to just take her home without doing all the adoption applications first.
When I woke from the dream I felt so happy but then I realised it wasn't real and my joy came crashing down. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the dream all day. These dreams make me wonder: is this a message from her, telling me to have faith and that she is coming for me? Just about every time I have a dream about a child that is mine it is always a girl with blonde hair. Each time I dream about her, she is a little bit older.
I wish I could know what these dreams represent, I'd like to believe that she is my future daughter but I am too scared in case it doesn't come true. These dreams are always so lovely to have but when I wake up they make me feel so sad that they aren't real.
She looked across the field and saw me and her face lit up. In front of me was a stone wall and the grass was level with the top of the wall, so when she reached me we were almost at eye level. We took each other's hands and just smiled and laughed, her face was pure joy, my heart almost bursting with the love I felt for her.
I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her in my arms forever, she was just so beautiful. She wouldn't stop smiling at me, it was as if she had known me her whole life. I was on the verge of sobbing with joy, I tried so hard to hold back the tears, knowing that I had found my daughter but unable to just take her home without doing all the adoption applications first.
When I woke from the dream I felt so happy but then I realised it wasn't real and my joy came crashing down. I haven't been able to stop thinking about the dream all day. These dreams make me wonder: is this a message from her, telling me to have faith and that she is coming for me? Just about every time I have a dream about a child that is mine it is always a girl with blonde hair. Each time I dream about her, she is a little bit older.
I wish I could know what these dreams represent, I'd like to believe that she is my future daughter but I am too scared in case it doesn't come true. These dreams are always so lovely to have but when I wake up they make me feel so sad that they aren't real.
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