I had my 2nd session of counselling today and talked alot about Mr J's grandmother (Gran) who passed away back in February. I was shocked at the renewed sense of loss I am feeling for a beautiful lady who was the grandmother I never had when I was growing up. Neither of my actual grandmothers took any interest in me when I was a child and both died before my 10th birthday, possibly by my 9th. I can't even remember what years they died in, that is how detached I am from them.
Tonight I am missing Gran alot.... even though in real life I would never have burdened her with the problems that I have, I just wish I could talk to her now and tell her how sad I am feeling.
At counselling we also talked about the miscarriages and it really hit home how, more than 2.5 years since the 4th loss, I am still haunted by it every day. The blood, the mess, the tiny little baby I cradled in my hand, the long nights in hospital when I cried so hard that my eyes were swollen shut, the sedatives, the surgery a few days later to remove the retained placenta.
No happy memories, just trauma. How do people just expect me to "get over" something like that? Oh wait, that must be the "chip on my shoulder" that I've been told I need to get rid of.
No comments:
Post a Comment