Tormented

This is how much my situation hurts right now.

My former BFF is about 22 weeks pg (she is due early July but I can't be bothered trying to figure out exactly how far she is)

My husband's best friend's wife is around 16-17 weeks pg.

Today DH and I were returning home from seeing our nephew play soccer (football in you are in the UK) and we stopped at a pedestrian crossing to let a pg woman cross.  She looked to be about 7 months pg.  I couldn't stop staring at her and my heart was pounding, every cell in my body began to ache.

Less than a minute later, I saw another pg woman, this one was probably very close to her due date, and she was out walking with a friend.  Both women were pushing little kids in prams/strollers.

I was in tears before we got home and it was less than a two minute drive.

Why?

Sad that that isn't me too.

Even sadder that my husband doesn't even know how he feels about me any more.

Scared that even if we do work things out, he is going to re-neg on the agreement we made to have a family.

Heartbroken because my chances of children could be over.

Torn between staying and trying to work things out, or leaving and trying to start afresh back in my home country and hoping that I meet someone wonderful who wants children as much as I do.

What if my husband decides, say 6-12 months from now, that he actually doesn't want to have kids, or worse, that he doesn't want to be married to me?  I think I'd want to strangle him for dicking me around and wasting my precious time.  And I would hate myself for making myself vulnerable and hopeful rather than making the decision to leave him sooner.

What's the fucking point of staying?  I'm seriously questioning myself about it now.

Why does it hurt so much to see or know that other people are pregnant?

I want that to be ME TOO.  

I want to be excited about pregnancy.

I want to be a blossoming mama-to-be with a swelling belly and sore boobs.

I want to feel my baby kicking and rolling inside me.

I want to be cradling this new life in my womb and bonding with it.

I want to be going shopping for nursery items, car seats, prams and nappies.

I want to be seeing my baby on the ultrasound screen and find out what sex it is.

I want to take home a picture or video of the ultrasound and give a copy to my parents and tell them "meet your future grandchild".

I want to go into labour and experience the incredible event of birth.

I want my husband there supporting me and coaching me through labour, telling me how much he loves me and how well I am doing.
I want him rubbing my back, stroking my face, giving me sips of water, kissing my forehead.

I want to hear the first piercing cries from my baby's healthy pink lungs.

I want to feel my baby's skin against mine and know what it's like to nurture it from my breast.

I want to lock eyes with my baby for the first time and see who s/he looks like most.

I want my husband to look deep into my eyes with infinite love and awe at what we created together.
I want to see my husband holding our first born while whispering Happy Birthday.

I want him to tell me he loves me and respects me.

And it hurts like a knife in my chest because all of this seems like an impossible dream.