Changes

I'm not sure if anyone follows this blog anymore, or even if anyone stumbles across it occasionally.  I thought about closing it because there is so much pain here, but for one reason or another I left it.

Anyhow....  ALOT has changed.  In ways I just couldn't fathom a few months ago.

Hubby & I are still together.  The other woman is GONE.  The turning point came in January when I was about to lose my job and then suddenly I was offered a better one with more hours.  Long story short, we talked things through and his perception of me changed almost overnight.

Joshua

If that horrible haematoma hadn't stolen you away when you were still growing in my body, you would be here today.  You would be 2 years, 5 months and 6 days old going by your due date of 24th April 2009.

I am staying with some friends who have a little boy who would be the perfect playmate for you, he's just a bit younger than you would be now.  I have no doubt you would be taller than him because I know you would have inherited your dad's height.  I wonder if you'd have full lips and dark brown hair just like him too, or would you be a little blondie like I was?

You'd probably be speaking almost in full sentences, a mixture of English and Australian accents in your words.  And you'd love talking on the phone to your Nanna and Grandpa in Sydney too.  And your uncles Matty & John, they'd be really excited to be on their way here in a few weeks' time to come and meet you in person.

I feel so sad, knowing that I will never know you, my son.

Agony

Day 3 of my period, it is heavy and painful.

My whole body is screaming in anguish, I can feel every cell within me fighting against what is happening to my marriage.

The reality of what is happening is only just starting to hit me, I'm not sleeping much.  Every time I wake during the night I start thinking about my husband and I feel sick.  It is so difficult trying to accept that he wants me out of his life, he NEVER wants to see me again or let me be a part of his life.  He doesn't care about the fact that he just quit on our relationship and the effect this is having on me.

What is really fucked up is that last year, when he gave me the whole "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you" spiel, he then had a meltdown a couple of weeks later and hugged and kissed me and told me he wanted to save our marriage.  And then he turned around and fucked another woman while I was visiting my family in Australia, he continued to pursue her even after I had returned to the UK.  Even after I had discovered that he was cheating, he still continued to cheat, even though he pretended it was all over.

I feel angry at him, angry at myself.  I hate that I compromised to try to save our marriage and yet he compromised NOTHING.

I don't know how to handle the grief and the rage.  Part of me wants to hurt him, another part of me wants to hug him.  And never let him go because he is my HUSBAND and I love him and I want to be with him forever.

So now, I drink.  I've never wanted to use alcohol as a form of escape, to numb my emotions.  It's cheaper than a therapist, something that I cannot afford.

How the fuck am I supposed to let go?

Crying

So hard, my chest hurts.  You know, those heaving sobs that make you feel like your heart is going to burst.

This is fucked.

I hate him for the way he has treated me, and yet the realisation that I will never again wake up with him next to me is just about unbearable.

Seven years.

How do I move on?

Stabbing like tiny knives

Seeing my husband, or even speaking to him over the phone, causes so much pain.  It can't be avoided though, we need to speak to each other to make arrangements for my return home and to divide up our assets and personal belongings.

I had to call him today to choose a day and time to see each other and deal with things and he gave me this attitude as soon as he answered the phone as if to say "What does she want this time???" - it fucking hurts to be treated like that.  I snapped back at him "Gee thanks alot!" to which he apologized and rightly so.

As much as I love him still, the sooner I can get him out of MY life, the better for me.

Tears, tears, tears

Such incredible sadness.

I am losing my best friend, the man who I have regarded as my hero for the last 7 years.  He is slipping away from me and it feels like a death.  I am grieving for him as if he is dead.  How fucked is that?

I know we have experienced alot of stress and painful stuff in such a short space of time compared to alot of couples but it is in the past and we can still have a great future if he would just open himself up and allow it.

There is also alot of unresolved trauma and grief for which we both need counselling.  It concerns me that he just wants to brush it all under the mat and not deal with it.  It happened to BOTH of us, we should be able to grieve together but it has never happened, either he was having counselling or I was, it's always been separately.

It's so wrong that our marriage is being destroyed by stuff we had no control over.

Dropping like flies

Looks like not only have I alienated the people who were initially outraged by my husband's cheating behaviour, but I seem to be losing followers to my blog as well.

Seems it's not interesting enough anymore, or maybe they only want to follow blogs of people who are still in the TTC phase of a relationship.

Sorry I bore you so much.

At least I have two friends in the UK who are totally on my side.  They are such lovely people who, I didn't realise until yesterday, actually like me MORE than they like my husband, and they have known him for about 20 years whereas they have only known me for 3 and we have spent so little time together but I guess I have always warmed to them because I feel like I have so much in common.

So it was great to catch up with them yesterday and pour my heart out and let them know just how horrid the last couple of years have been and all the cheating and betrayal and how cruel and selfish my husband has become.  My friends were completely shocked and are absolutely furious, so husband is going to be left wondering why they don't want to see him anymore.  I haven't told him that I am in contact with them, as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business, they are my friends.