How much more am I meant to take?
I think I've had my fair share of pain and grief over the last 5 years.
Am I attracting into my life all of this stuff I don't want?
It kills me a little more inside, knowing that my former best friend is now in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy and announced it to all her Facebook friends on Christmas Day. They are positively gushing over her. She has gone further in her first pregnancy than I ever did in any of mine.
What did I do that was so wrong, that she is doing right?
Why does she deserve to have a baby more than I do?
How did I become so bitter and angry? I never used to be like this, I had such an optimistic outlook on life and was excited about the future. Now, I can barely focus on anything. Everything seems to be falling apart.
My hopes and dreams of being a mother and being able to provide a safe and loving home for my children are vanishing.
HOW CAN I TURN THIS AROUND AND MAKE IT THE LIFE I TRULY WANT?
I am so sorry for your pain. I do know the place you are coming from and it is very hard, very tiring, and all-encompassing. There are no easy answers to any of these questions, and everyone has to live out their own experiences and work out the best way of dealing with them for themselves. If I could give you some of my peace, I surely would. But maybe you could gain comfort from the fact that it is possible to lessen the fear, resentment, jealousy and feelings of "why me?" over time, if you give yourself up to intentional healing. In whatever form that takes for you.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it has been a few years of personal development - therapy, art classes, inner child work, trauma retreats, and meditation. I can see now that it isn't the arrival of a baby that will save me, it is the change in my own attitude toward what I have and what I have not. I can see now that this suffering isn't delivered to me personally addressed for any particular reason. It just comes. How I deal with it makes all the difference, and is, in fact, the only thing that makes any difference. You can intellectually know this, but living the truth of this takes time and focus. You can't demand it, and you cant hurry it. But it can come if you will let it.
I hope you find your way out of the dark woods. x
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI just don't know where to start :-(
I'd love to do some classes but they cost money and as I'm out of work I can't afford it.
My inner child has been in alot of pain for years so I will try to focus on taking care of her for now.
Oh gosh, I wish I could actually give you a hug. The holidays always set this kind of thought process in me, and I can see now that I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Panamahat's comment, and wanted to let you know that there are actually a ton of free courses and such available online. I take some to help better myself while praying for a fertility miracle. There is even a free online colleges that offer all of there courses for nothing!
Best wishes hun!
Would you possibly post a few links for me please? I'd love to do some if I just knew where to find them!
ReplyDeletehttp://oedb.org/library/beginning-online-learning/200-free-online-classes-to-learn-anything
ReplyDeletehttp://www.openculture.com/freeonlinecourses
I like Open Culture best, I recently took some free tech courses from MIT that I found through them.. Good Luck!